Gossip Girl
Con Heir

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Elevator Love Song
Footman: "Madame, your invoice for thirty grand."
Ivy: "Oh right, for that party I threw, back when I had all that money a second ago."

A PISS-SMELLING WILLIAMSBURG ALLEY Yep. Called it.

PAYNE ANNUNCIATIONS: THEY NUMBER THREE

Chuck: "Private Investigator, please investigate the wrong lady. Do it privately."

Jack: "Mysterious interlocutor, Chuck is asking about your identity. You need to come fix this before he bothers that poor old madwoman I brainwashed into thinking she was his mom last time."

Nate: "Well, I just completely randomly got a call from Diana Payne. She's coming back to town and apparently is buying the Spectator again, or something."
Lola: "Who's Diana Payne?"
Nate: "I have some things to tell you about how I am a tadpole hustler. I fuck old women for money, sometimes. I may have left that part out before now. But it is about to be important."

GGHQ

Serena: "No job, no Dan, no friends. Nate's pissed at me for the eightieth consecutive episode. No family in Manhattan except my creepster dad and sister-cousin who still basically hates me. Blair off, imploding somewhere in Brooklyn. All my boyfriends are in jail or on the run or have film careers now. SxS was not a hit, and now that's over. I have nothing and nobody. I am alone in this universe. But at least I have you, Gossip Girl laptop. And all the secrets. Maybe I'll turn into a crazy housebound Nikki Finke, like GG 1.0. I'll drink bourbon and keep tissues in my housecoat. It will be quite a life, until something else completely random catches my eye..."

GG 1.0, immediately: "Dear Serena. Your first post as Gossip Girl was a travesty and you're an embarrassment to us all. It's actually flushed me out of hiding, is how crappy you are at every single job. Give me back my password or I will annihilate you. xoxo!"

NEXT WEEK

The heinous Diana Payne returns, the better to send Chuck completely around the bend slash give him something to do. Maybe Ivy can give Lola some advice on getting the shit stomped out of her by Diana, because for sure that is happening. Nate probably forgets he's even mad at Serena, like usual, while Dan and Blair deal with the scabies they just made sure to acquire. Best of all, Lily goes all the way to full-on Fuckabees, with like a bonnet and clothes from Tuesday Morning, and thence to full-blown alcoholic who says awesome Kirsten Cohen shit like, "I may like my Chardonnay but at least I'm not gonna die alone!" It is going to be so great, when Brooklyn finally cracks her down the middle.

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Gossip Girl

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