Serena: "Think of it like The Roommate. Ivy is Leighton Meester and Lola is Minka Kelly. I'm just the Nina Dobrev this round. I got time."
Nate: "Gross, does that make me Cam Gigandet?"
KAPLAN & ASSOC
Atty Bruce: "So the thing is that we would need to prove CeCe was crazy when she changed her will, but she clearly wasn't."
Lily: "I know my mother was California millionaire trash, at one point, but how about the fact that her wake was ethnic."
Bruce: "To the 99 percent, this would not make her seem insane."
Lily: "Okay, how about attacking Ivy directly?"
Bruce: "Has she ever done anything illegal? Like siphon off a trust through identity theft, or write a hot check to a real estate agent? Conspiring with a sous chef-turned-hit man, perhaps?"
Bruce: "Then that avenue is closed to us."
Ivy: "I cannot find a decorator, or art advisor, or really any rich people help. I have been forced into choosing my own chutneys and fine apparel all goddamn month. For a second they tricked me into thinking toaster-oven cooking was the latest thing, and I can't even talk about the Burberry bouleversement. And then I discovered GOOP, which became its own kind of hell."
Wm vdW: "It's Lily and Serena blackballing you. Pay me to help you, and I will help you. Don't think of it as a bribe of the estate's executor -- which it absolutely isn't -- but instead think of me as your Fairy Baldwin."
Ivy: "I always thought that was Alec. Just always caught a vibe."
Wm vdW: "Look, I'll start up a foundation for CeCe's cancer -- in my capacity as a pretend lawyer and/or businessman, of course -- and then you throw a benefit here in this house. They'll have to come, because it's for CeCe! And against cancer!"
Ivy: "Invite Lily as a guest to her own home that I threw her out of? Yeah, that sounds like a great move. I will be sure to pay you for this excellent advice."
Investor: "Is that my old meth dealer from Florida? No, it's film star Cam Gigandet!"
Nate: "I am not! I am Nathaniel Archibald, the owner of this thing. This magazine or whatever."
Investor: "Explain in greater detail the nonsense that your concern is all about."
Nate: "We are essentially a link farm that relies on black-hat SEO and the promise of celebrity nudes, dick enlargement and one weird secret to a flat tummy."
Investor, absolutely verbatim: "Isn't that Serena van der Woodsen? I've seen her in the 'society pages'!"