Nate: "S, don't freak out, but I think your sketchy con-man father might be pulling a sketchy con."
Serena: "Why wouldn't Lola accuse our father of this to me directly? What, is she avoiding me because I'm obsessive and off-putting around her?"
Nate: "Don't be silly! But you're getting really obsessive and off-putting about this. I'm taking you off the Ivy Dickens expose."
Serena: "Fine! I'll just go back to writing my scintillating Fake Gossip Girl column that nobody reads. And you can keep paying me money for doing that."
Serena: "Thanks for calling, I have to ask you about something very important."
Wm vdW: "Serena, your mother and I want you to go to that PRADA party."
Serena: "Ugh, fine. Don't take any random bribes until I see you."
Lily, who is in on it: "Great, so we'll all be there when she gives you the check. I just hope Serena doesn't fuck this up for everybody like she always does."
Serena: "I'd better fuck this up for everybody like usual."
She sets a GG blast to hit at 8 PM -- half an hour into the party -- accusing Ivy of doing a thing of which she is not yet guilty, nods curtly to herself, and... I guess what changed for her just now is that she doesn't know Lily is on it? So the fact that William just said he wanted her at the party confirms that he's conspiring with Ivy? Because immediately before he called, even while she was on the phone, she was wanting to get the scoop, and now she's just going nuclear on everybody's ass. I don't really get it, to be honest. She's just very fussy. Maybe she's drunk with Gossip power?
Blair: "Here's a present for your stupid baby. It's unwrapped because you weren't there to wrap it. So I guess you're paying the price."
Dorota: "This is not even legit gift for Baby Leo! This regift from failed marriage!"
Blair: "Anyway, I hope your baby has adequate care because I want you to drink vodka with me and talk about sex."
Dan: "I assume you have scotch in your office? From our 'Be Like Don Draper' pact?"
Nate: "If I think too long about our relationship I might kill myself. What's up?"
Dan: "I just had a little..."
Nate: "Oh. The sex was bad."
Dan: "Are you a wizard?"
Nate: "No. I've just had sex with you."
Dorota: "Him sex have like Russian potato?"
Blair: "No, his dick is fine."
Dorota: "Is comfortable to talk like this about children I raised."