Philip: "You have stirred my dormant heterosexuality, spouse. Or perhaps it's just the fact that you -- Michelle Trachtenberg, who usually appears so very post-pubescent, and certainly not like a fourth grader playing dress-up -- are wearing a high school uniform, in which case I am a pervert. Let's pretend it's my birthday, or Christmas, and share a moderately vigorous sexual experience."
Georgina: "I am sexually dysfunctional for some reason, and cannot bear your touch. Why don't you go change our baby's diaper instead?"
Philip: "All women really are whores. That show Gossip Girl is so right."

THE END

Blair & Serena: "Oh, were you about to use our shared restroom while wearing a ridiculous nighttime costume? Have at it! Because I am angry!"

Dan: "Alessandra, our sexual relationship is about to be so mutually fulfilling. Now, tell me how best to destroy our friend Daniel Humphrey. Pay no attention to the hilariously sardonic way I talk."

Creeper: "I am either covering up Blair's face in this photo as I weep because I am in love with Louis, the secret Sabrina in this story that nobody ever knew about, or else I'm caressing her face while I weep because Creepy Obsessive Lesbian is the only cliché this show hasn't used more than three times already."

Lola: "Dear Charlotte Rhodes aka Ivy Dickens aka the girl I'm about to snatch bald, let's be friends on Facebook!"

QUESTIONS

Is: Lola on meds, or was that something Aunt Carol invented out of whole cloth?
If so: Will Lola ever go off those meds?
Could We: Possibly get two Charlie Interrupted stories out of this little scammeroonie?
And: Why doesn't Dan constantly tell the story about the time Ivy was all, "Call me Serena while you fuck me!"

And how come Ivy can't be that awesome all the time? That was one of the greatest non-Juliet moments this show ever had, but as with Georgie and a few other things I can think of -- Maureen "Manchurian Candidate" Vanderbilt, the underground collective of Ponzi-running supermodels, that insane psychologist that took Rufus's scarf and was dosing Lily with fake cancer, Damien Dalgaard going all Dennis Cooper Easton Ellis on little Eric -- the candle burned out long before the legend ever did.