Harsh though the recaps have been, I found today that the cumulative effect of the past few episodes resulted in a feeling approaching thrill in the hours leading up to tonight's installment. And I was not disappointed! How great! Hilarious, breezy and fun, with everybody -- particularly Blair and Georgina -- looking fantastic. They weren't kidding when they said the second half of the season was going to lighten up. That was one of the most awesome fucking episodes in years.
That lacrosse song from when Blair tried to break Serena's legs! Two St. Vincent songs! Serena wearing her versions of a school uniform again! Dan and Nate in St. Jude's jackets! Chuck wearing the Scarf! (For some reason, this all choked me up, so it might have heightened the emotional response to the rest of the episode -- but I doubt it. It was objectively fantastic.) Blair Waldorf actually acting like Blair Waldorf!
So. Back alone from her honeymoon -- with a dour Royal Minder in tow, who seems to herself be in love with Louis -- Blair wastes no time in fixing things so she doesn't have to worry with Dan for the next year, by (of course) dressing up in costume with Dorota and sending them on a surprise trickery date. In parallel to Blair's attempts to time travel everybody back to safety, Georgina uses her extensive UES payroll to arrange a V-Day party at the Empire, with the fabulous/brilliant theme of Constance Billard.
Lola -- since the restraining order Nate's begging for still hasn't kicked in -- winds up working the party, where she runs into... Ivy, who's in town on a secret errand for a mysterious "her." By the end of that awkward encounter, Lola's figured out the whole Charlie Peepers ruse, and starts doing some investigating of her own. But what's Ivy's secret? Turns out she's been living in the Hamptons, with her favorite fake grandmother... And it seems time is running out for old CeCe.
While Blair spends the party running around, whipping Serena into a Dan Frenzy and Dan into what she thinks is a Serena Frenzy, things get complicated when Georgina decides to trigger the dowry clause by blackmailing Dan into kissing Blair. But when it finally happens, it is for real and it is a scorcher... As well as being witnessed by Georgie and Serena, both. Cue hysterics from Serena, aloof shutdown from Blair, and misery for all! Not to mention Georgina's parting gift -- a tip to Chuck about the kiss, outwith her responsibilities as GG -- triggers something far deadlier: Chuck seduces Dan's agent Alessandra, the better to make his revenge.
Next Week: While Serena falls down a neverending pit of despair and/or meets the next guest star who'll be making an attempt on her life, Dan and Chuck begin their epic battle for the heart of a woman who can't date for the next year. And apparently, given the many kisses he'll be sharing with B, Dan is winning. I, for one, cannot wait.
CeCe and Ivy formed a very strong connection, but Lily kept running into Lola for ridiculous reasons, and Nate for kinda creepy stalker reasons. Dan did his best to ruin Blair's wedding, but ended up just ruining her life instead; Serena somehow managed to make it all about her regardless. She was having a pretty insane hair day. Georgina did nothing in particular to move things along, and Blair sold herself into gilded cage slavery.
LIKE A MONTH LATER?
Who hates Valentine's Day is Gossip Girl, but who doesn't is kissing couples of all different kinds of genders and combinations. Not to mention Dorota, who is overjoyed that Blair is finally back from her honeymoon -- alone -- and looking relatively unharmed.
Or well, not quite alone. She's also got a Royal Minder, euphemistically "social secretary," whom Blair has decided to call "Creeper" in lieu of any real human respect. As we'll see, Creeper is in love with Louis Grimaldi in a secret, creeper way, and thus will hopefully provide the out for Blair that tuberculosis failed to do.
Blair: "She reads my mail, and performs nightly bed checks!"
Creeper: "My accent defies belief, but at least I'm as off-putting as I'm meant to be."
Rather than any of the big parties the rest of the cast has planned, Creeper's mandate for tonight is that Blair will choose one of several philanthropic functions in order to make her stateside debut as Princess. Spoiler, she's totally going to end up at the big party at the end of the episode, because in five years there has never been a single episode where everybody doesn't end up at the Big Party. Nobody tell Creeper, though.
Dan finds Rufus buying Lily some holiday jewelry with her money, courtesy of a Cartier operative -- who is also secretly under the employ of Georgina, naturally -- when he comes over to get a curious object. Seems he keeps movies in the form of physical objects, filed in something the shape of a book, and then carts that entire book around full of all his movies. That is some quaint shit right there.
Rufus: "Are you planning on toting your big book of movies in physical form over to Chez Waldorf, the better to pathetically attempt to hook up with a married woman who already has two other boyfriends?"
Dan: "You know me too well, father. And for your part, I see that you are buying Lily presents with her own money? Did you even manage to put on pants today?"
Rufus: "As long as I get this jewelry picked out before she comes home from DC, I won't be punished. Later on, we're checking into the Empire Hotel for a little sexuality. I play a housemaid who was late picking out Mistress's jewelry, and she plays a WASP from the Hamptons with a variable number of children who goes unexplainably missing for weeks at a time."
Rufus: "It was Chuck's idea."