Gossip Girl
Crazy, Cupid, Love

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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We Want Prenup

PREVIOUSLY

CeCe and Ivy formed a very strong connection, but Lily kept running into Lola for ridiculous reasons, and Nate for kinda creepy stalker reasons. Dan did his best to ruin Blair's wedding, but ended up just ruining her life instead; Serena somehow managed to make it all about her regardless. She was having a pretty insane hair day. Georgina did nothing in particular to move things along, and Blair sold herself into gilded cage slavery.

LIKE A MONTH LATER?

Who hates Valentine's Day is Gossip Girl, but who doesn't is kissing couples of all different kinds of genders and combinations. Not to mention Dorota, who is overjoyed that Blair is finally back from her honeymoon -- alone -- and looking relatively unharmed.

Or well, not quite alone. She's also got a Royal Minder, euphemistically "social secretary," whom Blair has decided to call "Creeper" in lieu of any real human respect. As we'll see, Creeper is in love with Louis Grimaldi in a secret, creeper way, and thus will hopefully provide the out for Blair that tuberculosis failed to do.

Blair: "She reads my mail, and performs nightly bed checks!"
Creeper: "My accent defies belief, but at least I'm as off-putting as I'm meant to be."

Rather than any of the big parties the rest of the cast has planned, Creeper's mandate for tonight is that Blair will choose one of several philanthropic functions in order to make her stateside debut as Princess. Spoiler, she's totally going to end up at the big party at the end of the episode, because in five years there has never been a single episode where everybody doesn't end up at the Big Party. Nobody tell Creeper, though.

PRADA

Dan finds Rufus buying Lily some holiday jewelry with her money, courtesy of a Cartier operative -- who is also secretly under the employ of Georgina, naturally -- when he comes over to get a curious object. Seems he keeps movies in the form of physical objects, filed in something the shape of a book, and then carts that entire book around full of all his movies. That is some quaint shit right there.

Rufus: "Are you planning on toting your big book of movies in physical form over to Chez Waldorf, the better to pathetically attempt to hook up with a married woman who already has two other boyfriends?"
Dan: "You know me too well, father. And for your part, I see that you are buying Lily presents with her own money? Did you even manage to put on pants today?"
Rufus: "As long as I get this jewelry picked out before she comes home from DC, I won't be punished. Later on, we're checking into the Empire Hotel for a little sexuality. I play a housemaid who was late picking out Mistress's jewelry, and she plays a WASP from the Hamptons with a variable number of children who goes unexplainably missing for weeks at a time."
Dan: "Sexy."
Rufus: "It was Chuck's idea."

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Gossip Girl

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