I am very sorry about the delay -- this new computer has some tricks up its sleeve, like for example saving unwritten drafts over fully written recaps no matter how delightful they are or how many different strategies I've tried to keep that from happening. Nobody said the future would be easy. On the other hand, it's now my job to keep this searing rage and blind hatred from spilling over into the recap, which I will now be writing for the third fucking time since, oh, exactly a week ago. Which sucks, because I was really happy with the last version and pretty much could give a shit at this point, which is no fault of yours, but is a bummer considering the show finally just got good again. On the other hand, this recap will probably be a lot shorter than the previous versions, which will no doubt be a relief for some of us anyhow.
Blair declared her love for Chuck on a video that Gossip Girl gave to Dan, and which Dan then gave... Right back to Gossip Girl, which is going to be a monster problem when it hits. Then Dan saved Blair from the monster she married, which for slightly less incomprehensible reasons has Serena pissed off as well. Later, he kissed her in Chuck's bedroom, which has enraged Chuck now beyond the telling. Aunt Carol somehow devised a way to keep Lola from remembering the family she grew up with as a child, as well as shielding her from the entirety of the Fourth Estate, and Nate Archibald managed to date two girls with the exact same name without ever twigging to the idea that something was going on.
ALL THE SAD YOUNG LITERARY AGENCY LLC
While Dan gets to work finishing up his proposal for a new novel -- without backing it up or using email at any point -- and Serena hip-checks Blair in their shared bathroom -- smudging lipstick across her cheek so she looks as crazy on the outside as she has become on the inside -- Chuck is reading up on the publishing industry, the better to take his revenge on doing the thing that Dan was smart enough to do him. He sends Alessandra a Shatoosh scarf, last seen wrapped around Charlie Trout's thick neck as he jerked and pounded his way to oblivion.
Alessandra: "I'd love to have lunch, but the passenger pigeon that we apparently use in the publishing industry in 2012 will soon be arriving with Dan's 'bound' proposal."
Propmaster: "If by 'bound' you mean 'in a plastic slipcover like a sophomore book report,' then yes."
Chuck: "Have you heard of this thing email?"
Nobody: "Yes, it's a useful tool."