Chuck pursues his revenge against Dan, setting him up for a plagiarism scandal and awesomely marking Alessandra with the very suicide scarf Charlie Trout used to masturbate himself to death. After Blair calls him off -- explaining very sensibly that a Chuck whose "goodness" is limited to not hitting objects near Blair's face isn't really all that "good" at all -- he stops his campaign... But changes his tune once the real Gossip Girl sends him proof that it was Dan who sent her the wedding-day video that nearly ruined everything.
After Dorota locks Blair and Serena in a room to resolve their shit, B comes up with a dumb plan to hang out with Dan and just be friends with him. Dan, of course, hates this plan -- and so does Serena, since it ends in yet more kisses. However, a UCB performance of selections from Inside finally convinces Blair that her deal with Dan is legit, and she ends the episode with a tender kiss for him.
While that part was rad -- and really smartly arranged -- mostly it was a pleasure to see Blair acting like herself for the first time in literal years. And of coure, she's still got Chuck on the line, her relationship with Serena to consider, and will be married to the monarchy for at least a year, so it's not exactly smooth sailing ahead.
CeCe's impending death brings all the Rhodes Women together, including both Charlie Rhodeses. Aunt Carol comes clean about her machinations, and Lola fires Carol as her mom, heading off for a hookup with Nate finally. Meanwhile, Serena takes her Blair betrayal feelings out on Ivy, who goes running to Georgina for help, but she does eventually give Blair and Dan her blessing.
The run of great winter episodes continues! Blair continues to act like herself, questions are getting answered, slow-burn storylines are finally flipping over and even Westwick seems like he's having fun again. While CeCe's last episode wasn't exactly a showcase for her wonderful ass, it did at least bring all the storylines together in a very useful and touching way. We look forward to seeing what happens next, now that all the secrets of the season have finally been disclosed.
Next Week: Activated by Ivy, Georgina returns to (hopefully) cause some actual damage for once. Jesus owes us one.
I am very sorry about the delay -- this new computer has some tricks up its sleeve, like for example saving unwritten drafts over fully written recaps no matter how delightful they are or how many different strategies I've tried to keep that from happening. Nobody said the future would be easy. On the other hand, it's now my job to keep this searing rage and blind hatred from spilling over into the recap, which I will now be writing for the third fucking time since, oh, exactly a week ago. Which sucks, because I was really happy with the last version and pretty much could give a shit at this point, which is no fault of yours, but is a bummer considering the show finally just got good again. On the other hand, this recap will probably be a lot shorter than the previous versions, which will no doubt be a relief for some of us anyhow.
Blair declared her love for Chuck on a video that Gossip Girl gave to Dan, and which Dan then gave... Right back to Gossip Girl, which is going to be a monster problem when it hits. Then Dan saved Blair from the monster she married, which for slightly less incomprehensible reasons has Serena pissed off as well. Later, he kissed her in Chuck's bedroom, which has enraged Chuck now beyond the telling. Aunt Carol somehow devised a way to keep Lola from remembering the family she grew up with as a child, as well as shielding her from the entirety of the Fourth Estate, and Nate Archibald managed to date two girls with the exact same name without ever twigging to the idea that something was going on.
ALL THE SAD YOUNG LITERARY AGENCY LLC
While Dan gets to work finishing up his proposal for a new novel -- without backing it up or using email at any point -- and Serena hip-checks Blair in their shared bathroom -- smudging lipstick across her cheek so she looks as crazy on the outside as she has become on the inside -- Chuck is reading up on the publishing industry, the better to take his revenge on doing the thing that Dan was smart enough to do him. He sends Alessandra a Shatoosh scarf, last seen wrapped around Charlie Trout's thick neck as he jerked and pounded his way to oblivion.
Alessandra: "I'd love to have lunch, but the passenger pigeon that we apparently use in the publishing industry in 2012 will soon be arriving with Dan's 'bound' proposal."
Propmaster: "If by 'bound' you mean 'in a plastic slipcover like a sophomore book report,' then yes."
Chuck: "Have you heard of this thing email?"
Nobody: "Yes, it's a useful tool."