Chuck sneaks off at some point with Dan's laptop to make sure that the paper document he never backed up is not on it, and then switches the "bound" copy for some banal piece of crap where Clair marries the Prince of Monaco and everybody's a campy cartoon and women are all either crazy or stupid.
Blair's point is that she's married, she's in love with Chuck, and she hasn't hung out with Dan since they made out on Valentine's Day. Serena's point is that all these things are proof, because Blair Waldorf is a mess who never makes any sense -- but also, more to the point, she is a wiz at avoiding or denying her feelings until everyone is pulled into the black hole riptide of her endless shrieking need. Advantage Serena.
Blair's solution is that she will spend the day on one long date with Dan, sending Serena cute pictures throughout, in order to prove something or another. Serena, speaking as an idiot, touts the wisdom of this plan, and stops threatening Blair physically. Advantage Blair.
Dan is, of course, overjoyed to hear that people are going to be discussing him, so while he turns cartwheels around the place, Lola takes off with Nate's phone to be so brazenly sketchy that even Nate will notice -- although, since it's Nate, that's not going to happen for a couple acts at least. She calls Ivy on his phone and -- although she starts out compassionate enough -- soon drills down into seething resentment and suspicion, scaring Ivy into hanging up the phone altogether. Lola returns Nate's phone, her lie about who she was really calling emblazoned across the call log, and drags Dan down to the UCB.
VITAMIN WATER ESTATES
Ivy calls Aunt Carol to tell her that, for the fourth time, the jig is up. Lola's onto her... And is also living in New York City and hanging out with the same family that Aunt Carol somehow subtracted from her childhood memories. CeCe appears, clearly about to die, and they share a little loving moment.
While Chuck sends the "bound" copy of his literary travesty off with somehow the same courier who is going to be schlepping this paper document all over the Town Without Email, Ivy has a little meeting with the Nurse about how CeCe is going to die at the end of the episode. Ivy balks at calling Lily, even though she tromped all the way to the UES last week to tell her this exact thing, and then abruptly gave up after getting dicked around by Lily and Rufus the entire episode. Ivy and the Nurse discuss cancer, what it is exactly and how it works, and then, flummoxed into a dead end, look it up on Bing.