Chuck is finally done fucking Alessandra, just in time for her to get four voicemails from Karp about how Dan's book proposal has been replaced with an unsatisfying fan fiction version, and this will probably end the publishing industry. As soon as everybody gets the telegrams or however we communicate these days. Chuck, still working that shit, makes his gleeful way out and into the day.
Dan is talking to the actor playing Dylan about the ineffable majest of being Dan fucking Humphrey when Blair busts back in to whine at him about how she keeps sabotaging her friendship with Serena. Dan -- rightfully, although with a shittiness that is becoming chronic -- tells her he doesn't want to be her friend, and she knows that, so why would he help her with this? It's not like he gives a shit about Serena, and he's entitled -- as a straight young male -- to revile B for putting him in the Friend Zone, so where the fuck does she get off? It's really attractive.
Meanwhile, Nate asks Lola how she's enjoying Gossip Girl, and whether she's using it to stalk Ivy or what. She promises to explain it to him, so he calms down for a third time about it, and but then she sees Gossip Girl happily exclaiming that "Charlie Rhodes" is going to the hospital, hopefully because she has lost her shit again, because that was the only time her character did anything besides creak mournfully and tell the same lies over and over and feel sorry for herself, so she takes off to grill Ivy now that she knows where she is. But then who will play Clair? Certainly not any of the other people in the troupe who have been rehearsing this, no. Only Blair, a rude stranger, will do for this performance that people are paying money to see.
Ivy explains CeCe's condition quickly to her daughters, admitting that she's been in hiding up in East Egg since the car accident, and Carol hisses and digs her nails into her fake daughter's flesh. After a short break for Dan drama, below, Ivy tries to explain how her love of CeCe is real and how she was an accomplice to the secret cancer the second she recognized CeCe's symptoms and medications a while back, but Carol isn't hearing it. Luckily, Ivy points out that "Charlie" couldn't just leave the hospital without a word, so she's at least safe staying with her fake grandma for a little longer.
Meanwhile Alessandra shows up -- not because this is an event entirely based upon a book that she represents, which would actually make sense -- but because Karp has discovered that Dan's new book is a sham. Meanwhile, Dan is signing copies of his book in the lobby, thanks to the nobody who asked him to do so. They discuss how this could have happened, and Dan admits the embarrassing truth that he only had the one cuneiform tablet of his proposal, and no backups. Instead of simply emailing Karp the copy she's already read, Alessandra runs around like a lunatic while Dan calmly settles in to watch the play. But after noting the Shahtoosh scarf around her neck and the lemon wedge in her mouth. At some point Alessandra realizes that this storyline is ridiculous, and heads back to the office to fix the situation, while Dan promises to go home and make a separate illuminated parchment manuscript as quickly as possible.