Dan comes in screaming about the scarf and the whole thing, and Chuck shows his hand by admitting that he's coming at Dan hard because of Blair... Which confirms for Dan that not only is he in the running, but he's on top. It is a fairly swag moment. Before he can go be mean to her some more, though, seems like somebody finally remembered to call him -- the only other person in this family that CeCe actually likes -- about her impending death.
Serena: "I'm having a shitty day and I'm pissed at Blair, so every sweet and rational thing you say just enrages me more!"
Ivy: "I never really had a family. You were so good to me, like a big sister I never had. I really care about you guys."
Serena pitches Ivy out into the street, empties an entire can of garbage on her head, and then scales up the outside of the building, screaming barbarically. Meanwhile, Lola and her mother are having a knife fight outside the cafeteria about how Carol brainwashed her secret daughter to forget the family times that even Serena remembers sharing with her. It is just a Rhodes Women Smackdown in that place, Lily bouncing off the ropes and CeCe snatching Jenny by the hair and Krysten Ritter and Brittany Snow are there shoving Eric van der Woodsen back and forth until he drops his books and Rufus is just in the corner crying, praying to the ghost of Bart Bass. Real ugly situation they have created.
After Lola punches her mother in the solar plexus, she goes looking for Serena for some reason. Meanwhile, Blair has followed Dan to the hospital so they can have a totally appropriate conversation about their dumb feelings. They decide to wait until she's not married and no longer in love with Chuck and the million other problems she's created for herself out of literally thin air, and she kisses him right in front of Serena one more time before heading over to apologize to Serena some more.
But the fight, it's taken too much out of our S, and she limply admits defeat. "Go ahead, bitch. Everybody on this entire show is in love with you, that's fine. I've been thinking about going back to alcoholism anyway." They're about to hug when, for no reason, Lola comes by and punches Serena in the throat. Final blood.
Blair calls Chuck to tell him to stop ruining Dan's life and just accept that she is a fucking crazy person who gets to be in love with everybody on the entire show and they can just pipe down about that, and but then she makes the very salient point that, much like the Hunchback of Notre Dame, being a "good person" doesn't just mean being good around her, or protecting her, or loitering in her wedding for no reason without speaking up, or because he has an Initiative microchip in his head that keeps him from harming humans: He has to seriously be nice to everybody. Especially Dan, her new boyfriend. Chuck begs her not to become even more ridiculous, but she hangs up on him and he decides to send Alessandra the facsimile of Dan's original teletype over the wireless.