"You Williamsburg Weasel!" Blair yells, and Dan's response is that he assumed she was going to screw him, because he still doesn't understand how B actually works. "Hillary Clinton is one of my role models. I do not break treaties, you ass." She runs off to tattle to Epperly, and he grabs her arm, and she... It's amazing, she sort of inexorably smoooooshes his face slowly, Cirque de Soleil slowly, pushes the face, pushes the face, and while you're being wowed by that oddly balletic move, things get moving super fast and then suddenly they are wrestling on the floor in front of God and everybody. Stefano shows up and he's like, "I'm on the list!" Epperly leads him into the party -- literally stepping over the prone and wriggling bodies of our heroes -- and assures them they are totally fired.

The Captain sweetly assures Nate that Chuck is family, and he would never hurt him, even though working with the Thorpes is already a (quote) "total contradiction," and but anyway what about Chuck boning Raina? Nate's like, "Shit, things are so fucking confusing all the time." Then the Captain, this is his glistening dialogue right here: "You know what? I think I'd rather live in a halfway house than live with someone who only halfway trusts me." Oh Captain my Captain, the wordplay of you.

Leading into wonderful Stars' wonderful "True Blue"-esque song "Changes," Dan's apology looks like this shit right here: "Come on. It was just an internship. I'm sure you can have your mother call and get you a new one in a second." Blair's complaint makes no sense at all: "She's a designer, she can't call in favors from a fashion magazine!"

(...¿Que?)

Dan's like, "Then what exactly? You don't get jobs like this without a connection." Still not getting Blair at all, is he. "I practically stalked Stefano, I spent the night at his lobby waiting to meet him. And after the police escorted me out for the third time, I faxed a letter to every machine in the building." Dan's impressed -- "that's like 200 fax machines" -- and she rolls her rueful eyes. "332." That's when Dan actually apologizes, but even he knows there's no saving his bacon this time. Why didn't she sabotage him even one time? Because Serena reminded her of the actual facts. "I must have some undiagnosed brain injury, because I stupidly thought that this fake friendship might be real." BURRRN. That would kill anybody, but especially Dan. Well done!