How they do things at W is that they like to sit down Lynn Hirschberg with Colin Farrell and see how that goes. But since she's stuck in Dublin, it's a major disaster and they have to find a new author, and luckily Jay McInerney is a drunk and has forgotten the five times Dan has destroyed his existence, so Dan can call him up just any old time: "You do realize that I know [Jay McInerney] personally, right?" is no match for Blair's return volley: "And you do realize that I know everyone personally, right?" Humphrey 2, Waldorf 2.

They agree to bring authors to the big party and then whoever wins, they'll get to stay at the magazine. They shake and Dan realizes what he's doing and he's like, "It's gotta be a clean fight. Do you understand that, as a concept? No sabotage?" Honor, as ever, is Blair's watchword. Dan will never understand that.

S arrives at PRADA to get Eric for lunch, and is actually civil to her mother for about five seconds before handing over a mysterious package from Vanya downstairs. I love that their relationship with the Help is so codependent now that Vanya can be like, "Could you drop off some of these packages?" Lily shivers and refuses to open it in front of S and Rufus, and the way she's acting is so shriekingly untrustworthy that they team up on her immediately and she has to open it. Inside: Ithaca.

"Please use this money to start a new life far away from me and my family," Serena sounds out, and she like, "Charming, Mom." On the back, like a serial killer, Ben has written the Judas-esque I DON'T NEED YOUR BLOOD MONEY TO STAY AWAY, I'LL STAY AWAY FOR FREE. (GG: "Looks like not everything or everyone's on sale this January!")

Serena's like, "No wonder Ben keeps lying to me and not sleeping with me! You gave him money! You are the worst!" Apparently Lily was going to help out by finding Ben an apartment and whatever, but instead she just gave him thirty grand and called it a day. I love how Lily is now a permanent fugitive, I mean think about it: As long as Ben Donovan is alive, she could go to jail at any moment. That is so fun. Eric shows up and S is like, "Guess who Mom's paying off now?" Eric just sighs wearily, all, "Um, Everybody. Eventually everybody."