S lists why this is unacceptable: "He's blameless! He was a wonderful teacher, who can't do what he loves, thanks to you! He deserves more!" If only Ben knew about the wolves! The Serena Curse! He only has to sleep with her like one time, and then everybody's suffering would end, because he would die or be shipped to Russia or revealed as a Vanderbilt or whatever. The Curse is different for everybody. For Ben, I'm thinking mugging. Or something with Damien, I can see that for sure. And the sad thing is that Serena will not let it go until she either feels better or worse.

Dan's author in confirmed, and Blair's author is Lorrie Moore. Exactly the kind of person Blair Waldorf would have in her Rolodex, right between Paula Deen and Ursula K. LeGuin. We discuss the many accolades that would make redoubtable Jay McInerney the perfect match for a W magazine blog -- a blog, mind you, which is planned to be about everything, any old thing, books and wine and movies and riot grrl bands and the jazzercise renaissance -- and although Moore was a 2010 finalist for the PEN/Faulkner Award -- proof that even the '90s can eventually get over itself -- on the other hand McInerney's on the board of admissions at Williams, where Stefano's niece is applying. Humphrey 3, Waldorf 2.

"Afternooners are my favorite," Raina coins, but Chuck is not there for an afternooner, he's there to bitch about the thing they just agreed not to bitch about. I don't know if you know this, but Raina is incredibly forthright and never ever lies, because she always tells the truth. Just putting that out there in case you forgot. So then why did she hire the Captain? Because he and Russell are birds of a feather and Russell believes in second chances, and because obviously they want a NYC insider like the Captain, because of all those bridges he didn't burn back when he was an embezzling drug addict. Raina points out saliently how why would she know/care that Chuck is living in sin with the Captain's delicate and ruddy only son: "I assure you, Thorpe Enterprises has no interest in corporate espionage," Raina lies, because she always tells the truth. Chuck orders her to fire the Captain, and then afternoon with him. She'll have neither, thank you.

S calls B; she's tossing crates into a van downstairs like a total champ, ruining my Olivia Pallermo fantasy once again, and Serena just laughs at her because like, you love competition so much that you're willing to turn a W internship into a war with Dan Humphrey? Why not just punch a puppy in the face? Blair assures her that no, the usually helpful rule of thumb -- that Dan is completely useless -- does not actually apply in this case.