Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Fever Started Long Ago

Leading into wonderful Stars' wonderful "True Blue"-esque song "Changes," Dan's apology looks like this shit right here: "Come on. It was just an internship. I'm sure you can have your mother call and get you a new one in a second." Blair's complaint makes no sense at all: "She's a designer, she can't call in favors from a fashion magazine!"

(...┬┐Que?)

Dan's like, "Then what exactly? You don't get jobs like this without a connection." Still not getting Blair at all, is he. "I practically stalked Stefano, I spent the night at his lobby waiting to meet him. And after the police escorted me out for the third time, I faxed a letter to every machine in the building." Dan's impressed -- "that's like 200 fax machines" -- and she rolls her rueful eyes. "332." That's when Dan actually apologizes, but even he knows there's no saving his bacon this time. Why didn't she sabotage him even one time? Because Serena reminded her of the actual facts. "I must have some undiagnosed brain injury, because I stupidly thought that this fake friendship might be real." BURRRN. That would kill anybody, but especially Dan. Well done!

Serena is like, "You cannot date Damien Dalgaard! He is the worst!" She literally goes, "You're dating a demon!" Serena says the coolest shit sometimes. Eric, fully committed to the idea of freaking Serena's shit, starts talking about his relationship with Damien in words that apply either way, which is why I got so confused the first time I saw this. He's like, "Only Damien will be with me, because he likes me, and everybody else is obsessed with themselves, and I've been going through a lot, but because I am the only normal person on this show, only somebody that warped would even notice."

Serena's just like, "But remember when he took Jenny's virginity and then it turned out he didn't and then she made an entire outfit of drugs? This is just like that." Then Ben Donovan gets his Humphrey on, in a major way. "I'm sure all that [statutory rape/kidnapping/overdose/lockdown] drama has been overshadowing what's going on in everyone else's life, especially yours..." Eric tries to tell him to fuck off in the politest way possible, but will he? You don't know Ben. And the reason for that is, he's not actually a character yet.

"When I got locked up, I befriended some not very good guys. Found out the hard way, when you do things that betray who you are, it can become very difficult to recognize yourself. I don't want to see that happen to you."

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Gossip Girl

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