Blair's in the fashion closet torturing Dan, trying to throw him off his game because he's in there to pull lemon Louboutins and she presents him with mustard Marc Jacobs, and he knows she's bluffing, and then Blair puts Chanel No. 5 in Epperly's coffee to make somebody else look bad, and Dan appears with cappuccino -- including the Rufus Humphrey-once-sold-coffee nutmeg foam -- and then the third part of the triptych is them both grabbing and snatching at a stapler. "Give it up, Blair. I'm actually good at this, and unlike the other interns, I know you. Your stupid tricks won't work." She screams "LOOK, IT'S GEORGINA'S BABY!" and runs off: Humphrey 2, Waldorf 1.
Nate is still freaking out about the Captain's job prospects because his character is in a holding pattern right now while we get everything set up for the second half of the season, and against all logic Cap's been named a financial advisor, in a "top-tier company." The kind that doesn't mind unlicensed, convicted frauds. "The suits, the business lunches, the ability to pay my own hotel bills. I can't stop pinching myself!" Dad, stop pinching yourself. Nate finds out that the Captain's working with Russell Thorpe, and immediately tells Chuck about this, making his face do that thing.
How they do things at W is that they like to sit down Lynn Hirschberg with Colin Farrell and see how that goes. But since she's stuck in Dublin, it's a major disaster and they have to find a new author, and luckily Jay McInerney is a drunk and has forgotten the five times Dan has destroyed his existence, so Dan can call him up just any old time: "You do realize that I know [Jay McInerney] personally, right?" is no match for Blair's return volley: "And you do realize that I know everyone personally, right?" Humphrey 2, Waldorf 2.
They agree to bring authors to the big party and then whoever wins, they'll get to stay at the magazine. They shake and Dan realizes what he's doing and he's like, "It's gotta be a clean fight. Do you understand that, as a concept? No sabotage?" Honor, as ever, is Blair's watchword. Dan will never understand that.
S arrives at PRADA to get Eric for lunch, and is actually civil to her mother for about five seconds before handing over a mysterious package from Vanya downstairs. I love that their relationship with the Help is so codependent now that Vanya can be like, "Could you drop off some of these packages?" Lily shivers and refuses to open it in front of S and Rufus, and the way she's acting is so shriekingly untrustworthy that they team up on her immediately and she has to open it. Inside: Ithaca.