Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Fever Started Long Ago

"Please use this money to start a new life far away from me and my family," Serena sounds out, and she like, "Charming, Mom." On the back, like a serial killer, Ben has written the Judas-esque I DON'T NEED YOUR BLOOD MONEY TO STAY AWAY, I'LL STAY AWAY FOR FREE. (GG: "Looks like not everything or everyone's on sale this January!")

Serena's like, "No wonder Ben keeps lying to me and not sleeping with me! You gave him money! You are the worst!" Apparently Lily was going to help out by finding Ben an apartment and whatever, but instead she just gave him thirty grand and called it a day. I love how Lily is now a permanent fugitive, I mean think about it: As long as Ben Donovan is alive, she could go to jail at any moment. That is so fun. Eric shows up and S is like, "Guess who Mom's paying off now?" Eric just sighs wearily, all, "Um, Everybody. Eventually everybody."

S lists why this is unacceptable: "He's blameless! He was a wonderful teacher, who can't do what he loves, thanks to you! He deserves more!" If only Ben knew about the wolves! The Serena Curse! He only has to sleep with her like one time, and then everybody's suffering would end, because he would die or be shipped to Russia or revealed as a Vanderbilt or whatever. The Curse is different for everybody. For Ben, I'm thinking mugging. Or something with Damien, I can see that for sure. And the sad thing is that Serena will not let it go until she either feels better or worse.

Dan's author in confirmed, and Blair's author is Lorrie Moore. Exactly the kind of person Blair Waldorf would have in her Rolodex, right between Paula Deen and Ursula K. LeGuin. We discuss the many accolades that would make redoubtable Jay McInerney the perfect match for a W magazine blog -- a blog, mind you, which is planned to be about everything, any old thing, books and wine and movies and riot grrl bands and the jazzercise renaissance -- and although Moore was a 2010 finalist for the PEN/Faulkner Award -- proof that even the '90s can eventually get over itself -- on the other hand McInerney's on the board of admissions at Williams, where Stefano's niece is applying. Humphrey 3, Waldorf 2.

"Afternooners are my favorite," Raina coins, but Chuck is not there for an afternooner, he's there to bitch about the thing they just agreed not to bitch about. I don't know if you know this, but Raina is incredibly forthright and never ever lies, because she always tells the truth. Just putting that out there in case you forgot. So then why did she hire the Captain? Because he and Russell are birds of a feather and Russell believes in second chances, and because obviously they want a NYC insider like the Captain, because of all those bridges he didn't burn back when he was an embezzling drug addict. Raina points out saliently how why would she know/care that Chuck is living in sin with the Captain's delicate and ruddy only son: "I assure you, Thorpe Enterprises has no interest in corporate espionage," Raina lies, because she always tells the truth. Chuck orders her to fire the Captain, and then afternoon with him. She'll have neither, thank you.

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Gossip Girl

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