What the hell happened here? An episode with all the ingredients of awesomeness -- from momentum on Blair's amazing Big Fish/Big Pond arc to Serena's continued inability to do anything sensible -- turned out to be the lamest story since last season's epic stinker "Carrnal Knowledge." But I mean seriously, you got Little J turning into the ice queen of Constance with no warning, and Tyra Banks acting like the usual asshole she is, and you got Lizzie Montana over here wanting to snatch off her wig...
Whatever. It's so retarded I don't even want to talk about it. Here's what went down. Blair was alerted by old guard headband bitches at Constance that Queen J was preaching anarchy and whatnot, so Blair -- still surrounded by the social white noise that has been driving her nuts all year -- goes down there to quell the rebellion, reinstall the monarchy, and pretend she has any friends whatsoever. Chuck is grossed out, so he takes Little J to this movie premiere in order to shift the balance of power back to Little J, while making sure Blair gets the message that she is special all on her own, while going back to your high school makes you the worst.
This premiere in question is for the new movie starring Tyra Banks's character, let's call her Wyra Franks, and Hillary Duff's character, let's call her Blizzie McShmier, They don't actually matter at all, beyond how difficult they are to watch be on this show. Dan meets Shizzie, who is also Vanessa's roommate, only she tells him her name is Kate, because...
Notting Hill. That's all you need.
Meanwhile, Serena becomes friends with Wyra Franks by using all her Blair-babysitting mental illness skillz. Lily is not impressed by this fake publicist job, because of course now that she's home she's not giving up on the dream of Brown. Because Serena is a total moron this week, she can't actually explain herself and just keep tossing around nonsense phrases about "finding herself," which Lily is not hearing, because it's still stupid.
So Blair throws her annual sleepover, but it's ruined by A) being creepy and B) the Chuck/Jenny fake date, which puts Jenny back as the Constance Queen, which she's suddenly cool with. Vanessa and Shmizzy are roomies and she's going to be around for like seven episodes. Um, I think Serena is still a publicist working for this ugly pointy girl with spooky pale eyes, because she introduced Tyra Banks to her true self. Scott is in Boston and I guess dating Georgina, who joined him there a week ago. God, did anything else happen? It was so awful, dudes. Oh, but next week looks amazing: G brings Scott back to NYC in order to break up Dan and Hillary Duff... Just in time to ruin Rufus and Lily's wedding.
"Black Champagne" by The Starlight Mints ("Queen with the rebel spark") plays over Jenny fussing with her headband -- an ever-so-Little J classic, the black velvet with shattered glass-looking jewels -- and GG wondering which way she's going to jump. "The first day of a new Queen's reign, nervous subjects twitter and Tweet. Will she continue where the old Queen left off... Or strike out on her own?" Jenny, of course, finally leaves the headband behind, because she already said she wasn't going to wear a crown, and also so we can see her urchin hair better.
"And what of Queen B?" In the dorm hallway, the peasants bump into her, once again giving her the opportunity to be horrified: "Is she biding her time? ...Or simply doing time?" In other words, GG would like us to know the same storylines are still happening, and nothing has actually changed. I mean, I love the whole disappointed aristocracy angle, because after all without willing serfs the monarchy can't exist, and we've been Jennyless long enough that things can now change; I just hope they do.
But the real story this morning, GG continues, is "a queen of the silver screen," who has just taken the Danes-Foster-Franco route of enrolling in a huge college and attempting to ignore the fact that she's famous. That's Olivia Burke -- Hilary Duff to you and me, slowly growing into her giant chiclet veneers and gaining back all that Hollywood lollipop weight that made her look so scary -- whom Nate, of course, adores, because she's the star of a series of tween movies that really get him going. Endless Knights is the ongoing epic, and it concerns vampire knights of the Round Table. Yep, that sounds like something Nate would be into. It also sounds like it would make a shitload of money.
Dan, of course, is so into being Dan that it's no longer a choice, and he is only vaguely familiar with the movies of which you speak. When you lose track of that particular thing ("Men? Walking on the moon? When did this happen?") you can turn into a whole new kind of asshole. I remember senior year I woke up early after a kegger and turned on my friend Mary's free pay-per-view, and sat there bewildered and drooling for two hours before I swept through the house, shaking people awake. "There is a bus! And it has to maintain a speed exceeding this certain miles per hour, or else it's going to literally explode! This film is simply thrilling!" And that's the story of how the J-man got punched in the nuts for the first time.
Nate's total disbelief that Dan is so pop-culture clueless is really adorable; he explains that Olivia Burke (who's going to be with us for a third of the season, so settle in; and trust me, she's a lot easier to take once you get a load of Ursula Fucking Nyquist) plays "Guinevere, but like a hot, blood-sucking Guinevere." Dan reiterates that he has no idea what she or her ginormous Candies-shilling pearlies look like, and Nate goes, "Hey man, I gotta run, I got a ten o'clock class." Dan promises to help Nate edit his Hawthorne paper, and Nate... Runs? To Columbia? If my friend Martha were here she would be telling me how retarded that is, but I'm going to guess and say the usual amount.