Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: D | Grade It Now!
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Boobs Are Not A Professional Skill

"Black Champagne" by The Starlight Mints ("Queen with the rebel spark") plays over Jenny fussing with her headband -- an ever-so-Little J classic, the black velvet with shattered glass-looking jewels -- and GG wondering which way she's going to jump. "The first day of a new Queen's reign, nervous subjects twitter and Tweet. Will she continue where the old Queen left off... Or strike out on her own?" Jenny, of course, finally leaves the headband behind, because she already said she wasn't going to wear a crown, and also so we can see her urchin hair better.

"And what of Queen B?" In the dorm hallway, the peasants bump into her, once again giving her the opportunity to be horrified: "Is she biding her time? ...Or simply doing time?" In other words, GG would like us to know the same storylines are still happening, and nothing has actually changed. I mean, I love the whole disappointed aristocracy angle, because after all without willing serfs the monarchy can't exist, and we've been Jennyless long enough that things can now change; I just hope they do.

But the real story this morning, GG continues, is "a queen of the silver screen," who has just taken the Danes-Foster-Franco route of enrolling in a huge college and attempting to ignore the fact that she's famous. That's Olivia Burke -- Hilary Duff to you and me, slowly growing into her giant chiclet veneers and gaining back all that Hollywood lollipop weight that made her look so scary -- whom Nate, of course, adores, because she's the star of a series of tween movies that really get him going. Endless Knights is the ongoing epic, and it concerns vampire knights of the Round Table. Yep, that sounds like something Nate would be into. It also sounds like it would make a shitload of money.

Dan, of course, is so into being Dan that it's no longer a choice, and he is only vaguely familiar with the movies of which you speak. When you lose track of that particular thing ("Men? Walking on the moon? When did this happen?") you can turn into a whole new kind of asshole. I remember senior year I woke up early after a kegger and turned on my friend Mary's free pay-per-view, and sat there bewildered and drooling for two hours before I swept through the house, shaking people awake. "There is a bus! And it has to maintain a speed exceeding this certain miles per hour, or else it's going to literally explode! This film is simply thrilling!" And that's the story of how the J-man got punched in the nuts for the first time.

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Gossip Girl

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