Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: D | Grade It Now!
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Boobs Are Not A Professional Skill

Either that's a seriously deranged self-compliment, or Nate is really out of it. Serena has dated Dan, Carter, Nate, that con man I get confused with Lord Marcus, and Aaron Rose. Con man had game, and Carter's got mad game, but Dan Humphrey? Has the opposite of game. He is the concave cosmic area where Chuck gets his extra game. He will never have positive game.

So then Dan immediately spots the accursed fedora and points "Kate" out to Nate, and Nate takes one look, swallows whatever he was going to say, and launches Dan at her without explaining she's actually a famous movie star. He does this in maybe the most adorable way he has done anything, ever, on this show. He's like a person today. They should just make him the pothead that he deserves to be, and let him kick back and be the hottie Seth Green of the entire show, pointing shit out to everybody like Eric used to and Dan tries to. How cute would that be, for real. Anyway, Dan is awkward with the hat, she's awkward with the hat, he asks her out for pizza, she blows off Larry King, Nate giggles and rolls around like a sweet little puppy as they leave together.

KC brings Serena into a very pink room and gives her first assignment: deal with Olivia's costar in this big movie that's premiering tomorrow, Fleur. "Your background experience with the press," KC mumbles and never finishes the sentence, "...I think you are just what she needs." Girlfriend is still wearing her interview outfit from the earlier montage. So then KC grins at grateful Serena, because guess what? Ursula Fucking Nyquist.

Have you ever seen the television show America's Next Top Model? It used to be awesome, but then it got ghetto and I stopped watching. Maybe it's awesome now, I have no interest in finding out. But even in its heyday ("It takes a fucking ass to cover every seat, you shitslice"), one thing you could count on was seeing Miss Tyra Banks attempt to act. Sometimes like a human being, sometimes like a French person. Whatever she was feeling that day. And as she'd go on and on about her accomplishments and the interesting thoughts in her head and her big fat ass, you'd wonder how much of it was true, and how much was just confidence and modeling through it. And as much as the last six years have shown us the limitations of Tyra Banks, I wanted to think that it's shown us her humanity too.

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Gossip Girl

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