Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: D | Grade It Now!
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Boobs Are Not A Professional Skill

But I'd be wrong. She is awful. This is awful. I hate that it is happening. On my show. My show. I would feel bad for C.O.P.S. if they did this shit, and they're not even a show. I still don't actually understand that program, what it is or what the point is, it's like... Football. If they had Tyra Banks on the Football Show or whatever, I would feel real bad for football. This is unforgivable. Even if it never happens again: It happened. We can't un-Tyra this shit. They did it. It's just so... Ugly Betty. And they didn't even bother to direct her in a way that tried to be anything but what it is, which is: Whoring out the show. For Tyra's scraps.

Fuck it, I've got a date: Horrible giant hair, big old forehead, looking like her usual tranny self, tossing shit everywhere, screaming stiltedly, "You are clueless! This is too blue! This is too pink! This is too red! KC, this is the most important night of my life, and you have me surrounded by amateurs? And color-blind amateurs with hidden agendas? You know that nobody supports me! Everybody wants to see me fail!" (I could hear Joel McHale's boner all the way over on the West Coast. Calling to me.) KC introduces her to Serena, and she executes a brittle scary owl-head 180° cheerleader snap-turn to stare at her, and Serena feels frightened. You can see her wig line, you know it's a wig, they keep talking about her hair and fixing her hair when you can see the goddamn wig line from space. This episode is for the birds, sir.

Serena and Ursula chat on a couch in their PJs about how fucking crazy Tyra Banks is, while chowing down on some ribs for breakfast, and it's creepy because Tyra does her version of Serena doing an impression of her, which we've actually seen Serena do a couple times, and it's another role-playing doozy of a thing, like Lily-Rufus. Serena is her usual charming, laid-back self -- "I never knew Josephine Baker was a part of the French Resistance!" -- and Tyra works herself up into a big old hurricane of this is stupid, and then... out of nowhere, for a second, she does a really good acting job: "Okay, there's this one scene where we're trapped by the Nazis, and I have to distract them while the others escape. And I think it's probably the best work I've ever done." It's a nice moment, which is nice since it's the entire point of this episode, but Tyra gives a great line reading here.

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Gossip Girl

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