Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: D | Grade It Now!
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Boobs Are Not A Professional Skill

I really hope you can come -- Your Roomie Even Olivia's casual notes, attached to the premiere invite, are trying too hard. Dan calls V to tell him that Kate just dumped him for no reason, and Vanessa invites him to the premiere, in needlessly cryptic fashion.

That night, the paps are going mad, and Dan's milling around right up at the velvet rope, but somehow misses Olivia's big entrance onto the red carpet. The tweens screaming and hip-hop soundtrack of the premiere fade -- this is clever -- to the one million textures of the Waldorf Sleepover, where Bizet is playing and Blair is lounging on a divan. One of the stupid Constance girls literally says aloud, "Blair, OMGBSE," then translates herself: "Oh My God, Best Sleepover Ever!" Oh my God, Bovine Spongiform Encephalitis!

Blair agrees that the BS is adequate, and yells at Dorota to stop skimping on the gin: "These martinis taste like tap water!" Dorota tries to stop B from embarrassing herself further -- "Mr. Chuck and I both of the opinion..." -- but that's exactly the wrong formulation right now. The last thing B wants to hear is that the two people who keep her grounded in any kind of reality at all (S doesn't really count) have seen right through this pathetic bullshit; it's sort of like how Serena feels when Lily starts with the Real Talk. "And who cares what you and Mr. Chuck think? Szybko." That means "quickly." Dorota exits, szybko, and B offers to tell the girls "how I got the great Chuck Bass to tell me he loved me!" They all rush over and lay down on the thirty couches and gaze adoringly at her total craziness.

Jenny gets out of the car for the premiere, dressed to the nines. Chuck is inappropriately but understandably all over her: "Exquisite. You exceed even my high expectations." She makes it clear that she's only there for the good of Constance, and realizing that she's feeling sticky about the whole thing, assures his sister he's only there for Blair. She nods and rolls out, and there's a funny thing in his face: He's attracted to her, and keeping a respectful distance, but he also: Likes her. If this were really Flaubert, or Thackeray or de Laclos, they'd be the best of friends: the roué and the rebel, the libertine and the liberated lady. Too bad he warped that too far, when he barely knew her. As much as the horse has been beaten, I'd still like to see him just regret that shit.

"And now for one of the most time-honored traditions of the sleepover... Truth or dare!" Blair's loving it. Suddenly, everybody gets a GG blast, except for Blair (why?); she does that dog-clapping thing I love so much, and the girls apologize for getting distracted. "It's just... Gossip Girl says Jenny Humphrey's at the premiere of Olivia Burke's new movie. And she's with..." They lock eyes, and Blair snatches the phone out of one girl's hand: "Spotted on the red carpet: Jenny Humphrey on the arm of the Red Baron, Chuck Bass." The girls are loving it; B loses one more little bit more of her everlovin' mind.

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Gossip Girl

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