Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: D | Grade It Now!
Boobs Are Not A Professional Skill

Way better meltdown? Blair Waldorf, who grabs Jenny by the fucking balls and starts screaming at her in the middle of the entire premiere letting out. Just screaming her ass off. And Jenny's awesome, because the whole time she doesn't yell back exactly, just yells Blair's name in this commanding fashion and trying firmly to get her to calm down. Chuck shows up and Jenny bounces the fuck on out of there, and Blair starts yelling at him about how he humiliated her and all this shit, and Chuck's like, "No, that was you embarrassing yourself. Like you're doing now. NYU's hard, but Blair Waldorf does not give up."

Blair desperately claims that she's just making a strategic retreat, which he calls potato/potato, and begs her to let him help her get her equilibrium back, but she's too far gone. She explains exactly how: "NYU is not the Upper East Side. They don't care about Constance, or the social hierarchy. They don't care that I'm Blair Waldorf. It's over." She's always so rational about how irrational she is, it's one of the best things about her:

I am literally having an existential crisis. I am very good at a thing, which defines my entire life. That has been taken away: Now I have nothing at all. My whole life is building walls to hold myself in, and NYU is too big currently for those walls to make sense anymore. So I am recreating the walls in the only way that I can figure out how, because if I don't have those walls I will fall apart. I realize that it looks crazy, but right now it's survival. I'm willing to give up a little dignity today rather than having a full-blown psychotic break tomorrow. When I say you're ruining everything, I mean literally everything: Not my stupid schemes, not my petty points, not my momentary victories, but the entire universe as I understand it. Food, Serena, my mother, my boyfriend, social standing/the aristocracy. My actual life is just a whooshing sound right now.

Then Chuck jumps into some bizarre other movie and starts talking like Marlon Brando. Fat Edition. "And you'd do this to me? I'm Chuck Bass, and I told you I love you. You're saying I'm easier to win over than a bunch of pseudointellectual homesick malcontents. You'd really insult me like this?" Whatever. I get his point, but it sounds so stupid it doesn't even matter. But if that's true, then why did I tear up at the end here: "So the next time you forget you're Blair Waldorf, remember I'm Chuck Bass, and I love you." Maybe it's the kiss. It's very sweet. I guess kissing makes me cry now. That should go over well in my future endeavors. You got me this time, show. Blair closes her eyes and Chuck walks away and she radically reassesses a few things.

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Gossip Girl




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