Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: D | Grade It Now!
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Boobs Are Not A Professional Skill

Another thing that Dan gets to do because he's special is sit around the empty Zeigfeld after a huge Hollywood premiere and just feel some feelings. Like right now he's thinking, "All I did was tell this new girl that I have impossible standards, and then she dumped me, and instead of feeling bad about myself I just decided she sucked, and then it turns out I was right because she was in this movie I just watched. I am the king of the world." Olivia apologizes for, um... Being a person? She looks really pretty as she explains the obvious thing about how she wanted to be a normal person and then hottie Dan hit on her, and it just drove her straight over the jittery bleeding edge to the madness of going by her middle name.

Well, I can see how that would be attractive. And so can Dan, honestly. I'm being a little hard on him because I hate this episode and he's my go-to punk whenever Vanessa's not living up to herself. He reiterates, though, that she's not good enough for him, because his last couple of relationships were "full of drama." Is he counting Georgina? Because that's hilarious. Georgina brings equal drama, in one week of dating, to what Serena managed in two years. And most of that was just lying so Dan wouldn't emotionally abuse her about it.

"I get it. I do. And as much as I want to be Kate, I'm also Olivia, and you don't want that." He looks down, because when you say it out loud like that, it makes him sound like a total cock. And it kind of makes her sound deranged. She's just a girl, looking at a boy, pretending to be another girl and then looking at that girl and then the two girls are looking at each other while the boy talks about his ex-girlfriends for no good reason and masturbates in an empty theatre about how he's going to tell Nate about this so hard.

Yet another friendly and non-troglodytic paparazzo approaches Blair as she's leaving, and asks you take her picture. "Aren't you Blair Waldorf?" She flashes a beautiful smile. "Yes," she says, looking around. "Yes, I guess I am." Finally. She poses, in a million different ways. ("Oh, it looks so good! You're doing so good! You got it! Look how good you are!")

Ursula is still crying, of course, and KC's like, "You know what you should do is wander out there and just totally shit your pants," because the producers ruined her scene, so now she can screw them over, but Ursula asks Serena -- the eighteen-year-old socialite with no practical experience or skills -- what path her career should take. KC shoots her more devil eyes, and Serena summons up her stupid pointless integrity -- damn you, Humphrey! -- gives Ursula some advice that would actually be good, if she could act. But I think we're supposed to pretend that Ursula can act, despite the disgusting betrayal and perversion in which this show has steeped us all, so I guess it works: "If you want people to see you as a real actress, you should be gracious, and... And the movie's more important than your scene." KC points out that Serena is unqualified to do anything but pack suitcases full of diaphanous fabric and steal horses, but UFN tells her to STFU and then, mascara running, thanks Serena sincerely and walks out of the bathroom to, I don't know, act gracious or whatever. KC informs S that she is stupid and also fired.

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Gossip Girl

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