Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: D | Grade It Now!
Boobs Are Not A Professional Skill

4) Every minute that goes by, one of your futures dies. That's scary and it's sad, but it also means clarity. That sense of purpose S was talking about last week. Getting older means splitting less of your hope and energy into those million possible futures, and keeping more of it for yourself -- right now -- to keep moving forward toward what you really do want. And that's what Lily means. It's not about giving in, it's about giving up the maybes, one by one, until you become whole.*

*(This part will never actually happen, but you have to keep pretending it's going to, for your entire life. That's what Blair's Voltaire quote means: Hoe your own garden, for the rest of your life, because it is art, and it is very simple, and it is very hard to pull off correctly.) That's what pisses S off, because she thinks we get more than half-ass answers to our questions at some point, and she grabs her million giant purses and her horrible vest and busts a move right out of there, past Rufus in his godawful band-collar shirt, who tells Lily that S is going to be fine, and Lily finally bitchslaps his mournful little puppy face with the information that all of this is his fault. He has the audacity, the gall, the sheer bloody-minded Humphritude to go, "That's not fair!"

Um, it's totally fair? While I spent the summer watching my mom die, you gallivanted around East Egg and watched our kids go crazy, and they marble-mouthed you into thinking that was parenting, and now you've given my daughter permission to go join some kind of fucking poseur '90s band and wear a choker? Not on my watch, chucker. Although he does get in a very Rufus move at the last second when she goes I trusted you!: "Then trust me now, don't force her." She stomps off and he feels bad, but I kind of think he won this one, somehow. He's so passive and implacable that I don't even know how you would fight him. Karate chops?

Anyway. Vanessa's dumb chalkboard saying from last week is almost gone when she comes home and tells Olivia -- who's just sitting there, maybe undergoing some kind of dissociative Hannah/Miley break -- that she loved the movie, also loves Endless Knights, and -- classy! -- is totally embarrassed about that. "So I'm gonna pretend that you're not a movie star, and we're just two roommates..." Ugh. Everything she says makes my flesh crawl! It is not my fault. She is like this on purpose. Olivia's like, "I was doing that before, and it turned out really shitty." Vanessa's eyeshadow in this scene is really the only good thing about this episode. She looks fucking fabulous.

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Gossip Girl




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