Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: D | Grade It Now!
Boobs Are Not A Professional Skill

Vanessa, fresh off her totally weird look a second ago when Olivia ran screaming from her company, calls Scott in Boston to harangue him about God knows what, but he spaces on her and then totally hangs up so he can answer Georgina's incoming call. It's been less than a week! It's been like two days! What fresh hell are they hatching?!

You're drifting like a fire, buried deep beneath the water.../ Whose side are you on? What side is this anyway?

Dan sees a blonde girl in an awful fedora at that one coffeeshop, but it's not Whatsherface. Meanwhile, the icky Constance girls come to Jenny -- looking like a magical Tim Burton fantasy, sitting on a stone table in monochrome clothes, looking like a Queen -- and ask her for orders: "Actually, go make sure my spot's free at the Met steps and wait there with a yogurt for me." They run off, she breathes and feels weird about herself, but I mean: Go for it. Over at NYU, Blair's instructing her own girls on who knows what.

Dan is approached by a blonde girl in an awful fedora at that one coffeeshop, and it's Whatserface. She repeats their previous conversation word for word, and asks whether -- for no reason at all -- his opinion of her has changed. The scene on his face is like what the and then he's like, long pause, "I don't even know why I'm pretending to think about it!" before giving in to her insatiable desire. She's just a girl, standing in that one coffeeshop, looking at a boy acting like a jackass, wanting him to date her.

You know what's a fucking authentic NYU freshman experience? The nine miles of bullshit that Dan Humphrey is about to put you through. XOXO.

Next week: Vanessa has to save Scott -- and everybody else -- from Georgina... At the van der Humphrey nuptials! I predict that Rufus will get hit by a car, and Lily will stand over his dead body with lilies in her arms and then run off with Carmen Sandiego, which will cause Serena to get real. Meanwhile, Blair will build a cardboard fort in her dorm room and insist on being called "Lady Waldorf" before admitting anybody inside; Chuck will infiltrate her bedroom Duchy under the guise of the "Red Baron" and wrest control of her kingdom away through cruel machinations and sex games; somebody will ask Eric something about Jonathan and he'll shrug and finally admit that he made Jonathan up; Jenny will start the Hunger Games in the Constance courtyard; Eleanor will return with Cyrus to the States after a month of debauchery in the Seychelles with Harold and Roman, pregnant with a baby named Yale and no idea who the father is. The father is Keith van der Woodsen. When Yale is born, sparkling and speaking grown-up English, Scott -- who it turns out is a werewolf -- falls madly in love with her, and waits around until she's twelve so he can marry her in Utah. All that, and Special Guest Star President James Madison. See you then.

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Gossip Girl




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