On the street outside the Palace, Serena spots a grey Vespa and immediately goes apeshit. "Oh my God, a Vespa! I can't believe it! I love Vespas! Oh, my gosh. You don't understand, I spent one of my favorite summers riding all around Italy on one of these. How did you know? My mom won't let me learn to drive 'cause she says that's what drivers are for, but really, Dan, this is amazing. Really. Come on. Where are the helmets?" Wouldn't that be romantic? My friend Lauren swears that you see Dan on a Vespa at some point, but I never spotted it. Either way, this is not what she thinks it is, which is a romantic date. Dan doesn't have time for romance because he is very involved in class warfare, but I don't blame her: if anybody on this planet could be assumed to own a Vespa, it would be Dan Humphrey. A driver waves to them, and instead of shushing him and being like, "Yes, Serena, we are going on a romantic date," Dan full-steam-aheads back into his original horrible date plan. They climb into the town car and even Gossip Girl is like, "Both of these idiots, I tell you." Meanwhile, Chuck's like, "More champagne?" and Nate's all, "I don't care who paid for it, just pour."
Dorota welcomes Jenny to Chez Waldorf and takes her Hello Kitty sleeping bag and bunny rabbit slippers, hopefully to burn them. How come Jenny doesn't get to be all, "How long can a woman have a Hello Kitty sleeping bag and still call herself a woman," but I guess that's the secret title of this episode, really. Dorota shows Jenny into the room where all the madness is happening. Blair is wearing a dark blue negligee and of course looks completely fabulous. She heads for Jenny, adamantium at the ready, and Gossip Girl's like, "Oh, girl. Keep an up-to-date passport on your person at all times and do not walk away from your drink unless you want to wake up in a bathtub full of ice."
Poor old buggery bloody Dan. How could he possibly think this would fly? He's sitting in a five-star across from Serena, questioning the maître d' about the food, all, "How's the braised quail? How's the laypin?" Dudebro is so not feeling him either: "Lapin. And it's delightful." Of course, Dan doesn't know this very simple word that everybody knows, so he's taken aback at what it is, and instead he asks for chicken, whatever whatever. Serena's like, "Sorry about all that bullshit, give me the lobster bisque and Muscovy duck, please." (So later on she can yadda-yadda the whole date to Blair and be like, "No, I mentioned the bisque.") Dan half-assedly tries to Seth Cohen his way through the minefield of irony he's planted all around them, where he's like, "I'm pretending to have just been here the other day even though we both know I'm way out of my league, but by pointing out the wide disparity in our lifestyles and then hanging a brightly colored jewel upon it, thereby making it even more awkward, I somehow sidestep the question entirely." Instead of pointing out that he also could have sidestepped it by actually taking her out on a real date instead of a bougie unreal concept of dating out of some kind of Robert Redford movie, she listens to his funny, inane prattle for awhile ("Wanna play Mistress Or Second Wife? Because it's harder than it looks, believe me. So's her face!") and then goes to pay the bill herself, because this is sad and stupid. That'll end well. While she's gone, he cancels his order with the hateful help of the maître d', who is the total star of this entire scene. The duck was $78. That's a lot of Canadian pennies and quarters and Chuck E. Cheese tokens right there. Afraid his appetizer might contain less than the US Recommended Daily Allowance of maître d' saliva, he closes with a hasty merci, and dude starts hocking up a loogie before he even leaves the table.
Dress-up montage! Longtime staple of sleepovers, soirees, and TV Night Thursdays at Jacob's house. Jenny in a pink sack dress is pronounced "too Beyoncé," wrapped up in weird wool and scarves is "too Mary-Kate," and, in an outfit that can only be called "too Hannah Montana," is called "too Hannah Montana." Finally she comes out in a lovely yellow toga dress and looks great, even though it's obviously another Waldorf Original based on the complete lack of lines or discernible qualities. My favorite person on Project Runway every year is the Alexandra Vidal/Chloe Dao person that acts like Banana Republic is couture, yet on this show it drives me nuts. I don't know why. Blair loves it, surprising even herself with how much, but Jenny says she doesn't feel entirely comfortable in it. "Well, as my mother always says, 'Fashion knows not of comfort.' All that matters is the face you show the world, and your face looks like it's going to a bat mitzvah. But before we continue the renovation..." She stiffly walks to the bar and grabs a martini, offering it in a strangely robotic way, still smiling in a terrifying manner: "Martini." Jenny protests that she doesn't like vodka, and Blair seizes on this: "Oh, that's nice. Because this is gin, as it should be. It's a party, Jenny. Either swallow that or swipe your Metrocard back home. It's up to you." Everybody stares, because Blair is awesome, and Jenny finally giggles and sips. B smiles, satisfied for the moment, and decides it's time for Truth Or Date. "Oh, I love Truth Or Dare!" Jenny blurts stupidly. "Once I had to eat an entire bag of marshmallows!" Blair nearly vomits at the thought, but turns it into scary instead: "That's nice, little Humphrey, but that's not how we play." Jenny asks, of course, and Blair's only reply is a smile three times as terrifying as any she has heretofore unleashed, and then a quick cut to Kati and Isabel full-on making out. Jenny's jaw is on the floor, and B's got her arm across Jenny's shoulders, giggling wildly. "I think I'll go Truth," stutters Jenny, and B pretends to be disappointed.