Oh, a dive bar. People playing pool. Oh, look, beer. Remember when I said I would go on a date with Dan Humphrey? I was not exactly speaking truthfully. I was just trying to be nice. So Dan skins some rubes for the money for Serena's Muscovy duck and then hands it to her, which is kind of awesome, and then they front on each other about whether or not Serena's got game. She does not. We're playing with gender and class stereotypes here, not rewriting them. So he agrees to play her, thus allowing her to play my own personal ultimate trump card, which I call The Gosh, No, At Thirty Years Of Age I Have Never Played Pool But I'd Love For You To Teach Me. This is a platinum strategy for landing a dude, and while you may feel embarrassed doing it, as you should, just remember: guys are not terribly clever. They don't care if you're telling the truth, they just want to touch your ass. If you're comfortable with that, then pick up that cue stick the wrong way and get ready to act dumb. The only one that works better than this is How Many Innings Are There In This Baseball Game, but that's kind of Advanced Placement because people will more than likely call you out if you do it wrong, so choose your moment. Meanwhile, Nate's going, "Gosh, no, Chuck, I've never played Twister before. How does it work?"
Rufus Humphrey listens to the phone ring with Lisa Loeb on repeat, and finally answers: "This better not be my wife." Ha! "Rufus! Do you always answer the phone like that?" Double ha! He starts, like, smoothing down his hair and kicking the floor immediately, because he is gorgeous. "Listen, I need your son's cell phone number. It's an emergency." He asks if it's a "real emergency" or a "Lily emergency," but really it's both, because Lily van der Woodsen, you are holding your daughter's cell phone in your hand. You know who has Dan's phone number? The girl dating him, whose phone you are holding in your hand. She tells him Eric's missing, but then has to cover up her terrible secret that everybody except Rufus already knows, so she's like, "Missing! From...the...Palace Hotel!" Rufus points out that Dan and Serena are on a date, so leave them alone, but also if Eric is with Serena, which is Lily's belief, then they are having a whale of the time, so leave them alone. "I have a situation here," she says, desperate, and she has a right to be, and Rufus is just like, "A situation? Your son is with your daughter and my kid. I trust them, why don't you?" Which would also be valid, if Lily wasn't keeping secrets. She starts with that "RUFUS" shit and he hangs up on her, hilariously. Not only is it okay that Nate and Chuck are off on some gay adventure we'll never hear about, but the Lily-Rufus storyline is the best part of this episode. How double-weird.
B hauls a giant drink through the club, where Jenny and Eric are about to freak out from how awesome and cool it is. This dude follows her from the bar with suggestions to go fuck in the bathroom or coat check, and she spits, "Well, my answer is usually Never Say Never, but for you, I'll make an exception." Team Blair high fives about this, and dude's boyz are like whoa. Visconti throws a tiny party for Blair's bitchiness as she flops down on the couch between many adoring girls. "Who let the hedge fund mafia in here? I thought matchy-matchy was over." Jenny, inspired, points out that her Dare is complete, and asks B for her choice: "Truth or dare." Blair, high on her own propaganda, is like, "You have to ask?" Little J Dares her to make out with Hedge Fund Mafia guy, "and mean it," and she heads over to the guy, taps him on the shoulder, and takes him down. The entire bar starts cheering for her crazy awesomeness, and when he breaks the clinch, he's like, "I hope Amanda never finds out!" Who? His girlfriend, of course. "Amanda never has to know, does she?" says Blair, and he gets very toothy.