Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Sparks Fly!

It's a quiet breakfast Chez Humphrey this lovely Saturday morning. Make that silent. Rufus is wearing an embarrassing band-collar shirt, working up the courage to speak to Jenny, who's sitting on his right playing with her eggs. "...You wish your brother good luck today?" She barks an answer and sits sullenly, then asks to be excused. "No, you may not. And we are not gonna walk around this house all day and not talk to each other." So if you want Jenny to speak, she'll speak. "You've completely and entirely prejudged the Upper East Side," is the first thing out of her mouth, and Rufus regrets asking her to speak, immediately. "Dad, I learned my lesson on my birthday. Asher's not like those girls. He's different. He's nice and polite and he likes animals. Please let me go today?" He's grossed out that she didn't even cancel, assuming he'd change his mind if she played him right. He's more angry because he knows that she can, and that he didn't see it coming. Dadding is hard! He throws down his fork in a tres Humphrey manner, and hands her the phone.

Vanessa gets nervous outside the doors of Hunter College, and I ... this show can't even understand concepts like time and space, I'm not going to call bullshit on the various senior year scholarships getting awarded to juniors and I'm really not even going to talk about how Nate managed to reserve this girl a seat at a random SAT administration in the city with no notice in the last five hours. "I didn't even study," she says nervously, and he points out that she's been acing the practice tests. How cool would be if she were like, "Actually, that was a lie." He tells her it's cool to keep your options open, and that only Nate's parents are ass-backward enough to get mad at you for studying your ass off in order to attend the college of your choice. He zaps her with those eyes again, and she is toast. "Okay. Right now I'm going inside, and I'm not looking back, or I might change my mind."

Queen B and Bitches catch Nelly Yuki on her way in, looking busted: "Rough night?" Nelly Yuki admits that it was, and not in a good way, and she and Todd spent the whole night fighting the same fight as before. The girls all chorus an awesome "Awww!" and she drops her calculator, which B retrieves quick as a snake and hands back to her. Blair is wearing one of her best outfits of all time: an amazing cream-yellow suit with white trim, and grown-up lady hair. She looks like the Chief of Staff for Satan, it's amazing. She looks so crazy good. "Unbelievable. I can't believe it. Crazy," she deadpans, and Nelly Yuki starts to go into a whole story about how she couldn't study because she cried all night, and B cuts her off: "-- Okay. Well, good luck." Nelly Yuki shambles off, looking all a mess, and Isabel's like, "I still don't understand how your plans work, but they always work, like, all you did was play a song on your phone while walking briskly, and then give her a massage, and now Nelly Yuki is a crackhead. How do you do this shit?" B shows them the batteries from Nelly Yuki's calculator, and they all laugh: "Yes, but I also believe in insurance." Isabel asks how she got Todd into the plan, and B lightly asks what she's doing tonight. "Uh, not Todd?" B smiles. "Okay, well, I guess I'm gonna have to come up with something else." And nobody, not even Penelope in her cute pink suit, knows if she's kidding.

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Gossip Girl

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