Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Sparks Fly!

Says: "I told you I was coming. Didn't you get my gifts? ...Haven't you missed me?"
Means: "If you don't lie to me right now you won't live through this."

Serena: "...How could I not?"

Says: "Okay, you don't want to throw me a homecoming party, I get it. But let's have a cocktail, Catch up."
Means: "Come to the party or the party comes to you. I've already sabotaged your family and your permanent school record without even trying, and that was just a prelude."

Says: "S, you're really gonna hurt my feelings, and you know how I get when my feelings are hurt."
Means: "Submit. Remember and submit."

Their eyes meet, and Serena submits.

Says: "Great. I'll see you tonight!"
Means: "Remember what I need, and what I'm prepared to do to meet my needs."

Says: "It's so weird seeing you! It's almost like I never left."
Means: "I know you're lying, and I know you're scared, and I don't care. It's delicious. But the fact remains that I have needs, and you will meet them. I live in the dark."

She leaves with a scary bright smile, and Serena is rooted to the spot. "Spotted in the courtyard: Serena, looking like she's seen a ghost. The ghost of parties past."

Elise runs up to Little J, adorable in pink, as she's buying a street vendor hotdog. "Why did you want to meet here?" Jenny explains that she's been thinking. That's never good. "I've been thinking. What's the one thing that no one in our group has? I mean, not even Blair?" Elise correctly guesses "compassion," and they laugh as hard as we do, but Jenny explains that none of the Bitches have a boyfriend, and that's the edge she needs. "You know, if I'm gonna make it to queen, I need a king." They look at the prep school boys Jenny's tracking, and Elise -- who really doesn't seem to understand boy/girl at all -- points out that Queen Elizabeth never had a boyfriend. (Except for Ralph Fiennes! God grant me the kind of celibacy where I sleep with Ralph Fiennes, please.) "But she only had the Spanish to conquer, and I have Blair Waldorf." I love it when they make the whole High School Is Epic Drama In Your Head thing explicit. In high school, it's not even a metaphor to say you're emulating Queen Elizabeth, because in high school, your movie has its own soundtrack.

"Let's talk qualifications. He has to be cute..." -- one hottie bends down to check his reflection in a car's curbside rearview -- "...But not full of himself. He has to be from the right kind of family..." -- two dudes get grody with a passing lady -- "...Ugh, but not disgusting." A totally cute, totally weird-looking dude is pulled along by a million little dogs, right into her, and she drops her hotdog. "Whoa! Oh, oh, aw... I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" She notes her lunch, now being devoured by a little pug named Linus, and the boy digs around in his pocket, coming up with ... his last dollar. She tells him to save it, because she knows how weird it is to walk around the city with no money, and he offers her an IOU instead. Having already crossed his hot ass off the list of contenders, she blows him off, but he cutely explains that he was actually just trying to give her his number. She's wearing an intense patterned scarf, like Pier One condensed into the form of a single scarf, over a cute double-breasted purple jacket. "Thank you. I mean, it's fine. I mean, I'm really not even that hungry." They are delightful some more, and he looks back at her over his shoulder, and the second he's gone she trashes his number, freaking out Elise. "He's a dog walker. I need a king, not a jester. Come on, let's go lurk outside Dalton." I really do love the new Jenny. She will blow your mind and then immediately blow your mind again. And every time she's cruisin' for a bruisin', and you think she's finally cashed out, she just gets back on the pony and rides off further into crazy. Excellent.

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Gossip Girl

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