After New York brings up the obvious comparison between Blair's wedding to a prince and Kim Kardashian's wedding to a cross-eyed giant, Blair decides to make a hash of her life as usual. She worms her way into Dan's literary life, makes a fool of herself several different ways, and eventually her desperation/hubris swells up so bad, Nate's lip-like, that she actually manages to out-attention-seek the rest of Brooklyn's literary elite. Too high, too close to the sun! In the end, Dan tells her what it was like watching Gossip Girl in the good old days, when Blair Waldorf used to be awesome, and she agrees that she's been, by comparison, pretty sickening this season. Not sure what Dan can do about it, exactly, but by now we all know Blair -- like all women, really -- deserves and requires the help of a man in discovering things about herself such as a basic personality.
Ongoing confusion surrounding Chuck Bass's parentage has got Nate and Chuck in a tizzy, especially since Nate's still over Lola and thus hasn't got anything going on. Only whoring himself to Diana Payne, to find out who her financial backers are, to find out that "they" are Jack Bass, that Diana probably isn't Chuck's mother, but that Jack Bass probably is, that the nurse we keep running into has apparently the mental stability of an Ivy Dickens and thus keeps lying about everything, and that Diana Payne didn't exist until three years ago, when crazy old fucking Elizabeth Fischer and Jack Bass last schemed their parental schemes. I would have been fine with leaving it at Diana and Jack, but no. Apparently we gotta toggle the Elizabeth switch one more stupid time.
Everything else is Lily. Relatively unrepentant about the Rufus stuff from last week, she's paid off CeCe's nurse to lie about Ivy by breakfast, overturning the will and making Ivy act even crazier. Serena "just happens" to walk by, like happens on this show, while William is having lunch with his other daughter, and a quick visit to plump- and loose-lipped Nate reveals the big truth: That Serena has a mysterious half-sister!
Luckily, Lily has already invited everybody in this storyline to dinner so that she can prove to the press that she's not the monster she's become on this show, but now she can use it to awesomely kill several birds with one stone: Put Rufus out of the house like a trophy-wife puppy before traveling all the way to DUMBO just to be mean and make him cry (awesome), Put William on blast for having daughter-nieces (valid), put the fear of God into Lola (if only), and put Carol in the pokey (yes!) after getting poor dumb-ass wannabe Ivy (ugh) to testify to Carol's original Charlie Scheme.
In grand William van der Woodsen tradition, the good doctor gets Carol to sign her half of CeCe's money over to him -- ostensibly to save her and protect their daughter Lola -- but while he's (obviously) making his way to the heliport he uses to escape with everybody's money all the time, Lola approaches Serena about finally activating her Dark Phoenix powers, destroying Lily and then William and eventually each and every one of their various parents, until only Rufus Humphrey remains for the culling, but Serena's too daddy-issued out to be anything other than disgusting with Lola, so Lola -- of course, being the sneakiest and nosiest and most judgmental of all, being the Vanessa she is -- steals the Gossip Girl website, password and proprietary apps!
Next week: Lily gets Ivy to play Russian Roulette to prove her loyalty to the Rhodes clan, while secretly poisoning Rufus's green salad and revealing she had this whole thing planned with William, all along, somehow. Aunt Carol and Juliet Sharp meet up in jail and plan the entirety of next season. Dan writes down a list of things Blair needs to be, and do, and wear, and say, and think, and weigh, and Blair accomplishes them, through plucky hard work and deep, deep emotional issues. Nate turns out to be Chuck's father, with his mother who is also Nate. Ivy and Lola start doing it, because what is even the point of them anymore. Serena finally just brings a gun to school.
Increasingly, Manhattan's Elite were themselves busily acting as several sources into the scandalous lives of Manhattan's Elite. Serena's transformation into mossy blogwitch was complete, while Blair and Lily both realized that to love a Humphrey Man is to pay the Humphrey Price. The latter deemed it too dear, and set her rumpled man-toy out on the curb for Bulk Pickup day, while the former returned to her chrysalis once again to await further instruction on how to be a person. Diana Payne was exposed as one of Chuck Bass's many mothers, our dear Nathaniel shed himself of that thing called Lola, and the oft-abused Ivy Dickens got her ass turned out once again.
MAD SCENES & MAGAZINES
Gossip Girl: "Have you ever heard of magazines? They're this thing from before."
Dorota: "Is one of Miss Blair's many pretensions."
Gossip Girl: "Well, I hope you have an eye out for this latest NYM*, because it is going to make Blair crazy."
Dorota: "Would be something, no?"
Blair: "Dan, enjoy your literary activities and clothing. I will stay here, in a ridiculous housecoat, worrying about absolutely nothing, forever and ever."
Dan: "My hair has once again sucked the nutrients out of me."
*(New York Magazine, The Magazine About New York For New Yorkers In New York & Very Relevant To Those People & To Those Who Secretly Think They Are Those People. Such as your recapper.)
THE HALLS OF JUSTICE
Lily: "Man, I'm glad I paid off that nurse to once again smear Ivy's name into a paste."
Serena: "I know, right? It's fun to hate people with you again."
Lily: "A Rhodes Woman must always have a victim. Preferably one named Charlie."
Ivy appears in full Jennifer Humphrey regalia: Bird's nest hair, a few twigs stuck to her face, bathtub-drunk eyeliner running down, smudged lipstick surrounding her mouth area, fingernails jagged to the quick. Clutching an empty Kiehl's bottle in her hand that once contained... Who knows what? It's empty now, by God.
Ivy: "WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM, DUDE?"
Lily: "How many episodes is this? Do you still not understand how thoroughly jealous of you I am?"
Ivy: "OKAY BUT FOR REAL THOUGH. I HAVE A STAPH INFECTION, MAN."
Lily: "Ugh, how common."
Serena aims a swift kick to Ivy's abdomen, sending her out a second-story window and into the streets, and asks her mom about all that gorgeous tasty money they just won.