Famous Social Register Guy: "Lily, thanks for inviting me to your Fake Dinner!"
Lily: "It is for being in the social pages, so..."
Dude: "And why is your ten-foot-tall daughter stomping around like she's going to kick something?"
Lily: "Clearly she has forgotten about the happy face we talked about. Oh, Carol! Don't you look ravishing and crazy and shitty some more."
Diana: "Are you just going to go through my underwear drawer? Or are you gonna toss one in here?"
Nate: Instantly removes his clothing, possibly while saying words.
Carol: "Okay, William. I guess I'm not blackmailing you anymore now that I got half my mom's money."
Wm vdW: "Good thing we're both so trustworthy!"
Serena: "This is my happy face!"
After a literary circle-jerk that doesn't last too long, Dan's invited to speak, so of course Blair gets right up in that shit and starts talking. Everybody's like, "She's Despicable! But it must be said, also very Highbrow." She tells them how despicable and highbrow she is, tosses the Young Lions an endowment, and then tries to make everybody slow-clap her, and it's vomitous. Dan is disgusted by his girlfriend's insane, shitty, behavior and -- needless to say -- fully erect by the time she stops talking.
Everybody: "This Fake Dinner is going so great!"
Lily: "I can fix that."
Serena: "I can't believe you even served dinner Family Style. You are such a dork."
Lily: "It's very important in our family to share."
Carol: "Bitchy Eighties reference about stealing leg warmers!"
Lily: "Yeah, or the time you had a baby with my husband."
Lola: "Holy shit."
Serena: "Uh, I guess I'm the Lily this time? You need to back your shit down."
Lily: "No, honey. Mommy's very drunk. Listen, Social Register, this bitch used an imposter to steal my niece's trust fund..."
Carol: "Okay, well, I'm just going to go."
Lily: "Not at all, my friend. I have these cops stashed behind the couch."
Cops: "Hey, guys!"
Carol: "Okay, but Ivy would never back your story. She's not going down for this either."
Lily: "I also have Ivy stashed behind the couch."
Ivy: "Hey, guys! I already gave a statement regarding your criminal fraud, so I get off scot-free."
Serena: "I still haven't gotten the memo that it's okay for you to be alive yet, so that pisses me off."
Lola: "I have the most embarrassing family in the universe."