As Ivy's tearing up the check in the elevator, Lily answers the phone.
Wm vdW: "I got Carol's half for you, like you asked. But are you sure you're going to take care of Lola with it?"
Lily: "Why would I punish that little girl just because of your extramarital affair?"
Wm vdW: "You've done worse for less reason. In the last twenty-four hours."
Lily: "I'm not a monster, William."
Wm vdW: "Good thing you're so trustworthy, huh?"
Wm vdW: "Take me to JFK, actually. I'll figure this one out on my own."
Lola: "Hey, sis!"
Serena: "Fuck you want? Get out."
Lola: "I thought we could bond over destroying our parents together? You get back at Lily, I get Carol out of jail..."
Serena: "Uh, not interested in being your sister right now, thanks to daddy issues. Please just stay away from my family from now on."
Lola: "Sure, right after I steal the Gossip Girl website from you."
The login email is SvetlanaSparks, another absolutely gorgeous touch if you think about it. Potential everywhere up in here this week.
Nate: "How's it going?"
Chuck: "I think maybe I have remembered that mysterious tattoo from the many times I've seen my uncle naked, due to us having sex near and on top of each other ever since I was a little child."
Nate: "I'm not sure I understand."
Monkey: "Fuckin'... Are you guys for real?"
Chuck: "What I'm saying is, I think Jack Bass is my father."
Nate: "But wait, who is your mother?"
Monkey: "NOBODY CARES. NOBODY EVER CARED. JESUS."
Nate: "Okay, wait. Can you start over?"
Chuck and Nate, simply dumbfounded about what to do next, entreat Blair for help, so of course she dresses up like Diana Payne in some kind of scheme. I have a feeling this one's going to be great.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.