Gossip Girl
Despicable B

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 2 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
If There Is I Haven't Found It Yet

Blair: "I feel as if everything's in its right place. That's a lyric from my new favorite band, Radiohead. Now, hand me my magazines."
Dorota: "No more magazines. Is 2012."
Blair: "I'll at least read New York Magazine. It's for people like me!"

The NYM Approval Matrix describes a graph in which one axis charts a spectrum of Highbrow-to-Lowbrow and the other Brilliant-to-Despicable. Dan Humphrey, for the purposes of this science-fiction program, is notable enough to be on the Matrix, and even more notably, is "Highbrow Brilliant." But with one cruel stroke of the pen comparing the Waldorf/Grimaldi nuptials to Kim Kardashian's recent publicity stunt, Blair finds herself squarely in Despicable Lowbrow territory. Past even Don't Trust The B.

Blair: "I will become as Highbrow as Dan. This instant!"
Dorota: Stark terror.

V.D. DOUBLE JEOPARDY

Serena: "Dad, Lily's throwing a Fake Dinner."
Wm vdW: "Firstly, thanks for just calling me on the phone instead of showing your tits to a horse. Secondly, this is her process. She fixes the outsides before she can fix the insides."

That's brilliant, actually. That's like, "all five seasons are secretly the same television show after all" brilliant. Highbrow Brilliant, if you will.

Serena: "Okay, well can you bring your calming Baldwin voice into the mix? Because Carol's going to be there too, and I need backup."
William: "I'm not in town, but good luck."
Serena: "Really? Because I see you having lunch with Lola, conveniently enough, while we're having this conversation."

Wm vdW: "...Sorry, telemarketers. What were you saying?"
Lola: "So you're my dad, huh?"
Wm vdW: "Yeah. If you remember the backdoor pilot, it hinted that Carol and Lily would've eventually come to blows over my brother Keith, but I guess van der Woodsen Men are as mysterious and alluring as Rhodes Women, given time."
Lola: "So what's my stake here? Any way I can use you to punish my mom?"
Wm vdW: "Serena's been trying that shit for years, no dice. I'm way too self-involved. But there is an upside, which is that I fucked up Serena and Eric so bad I got all my shitty-dadness out of my system, and I'm ready to be somewhat less distant for you."

Lola: "For a show all about parents, and like everybody has a million parents and sixty secret siblings, it's funny that nobody on this show was actually raised by parents, in any significant way. Just wolves and kidnappers and molesters and immigrants."

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Gossip Girl

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