I guess not many people know that Clark Kent and Lex Luthor have a son together? Connor Kent? Wiki him, it's super weird but also kind of awesome. Anyway, I think that's what Sage is supposed to be: The half-Kryptonian daughter of Blair and Serena.
The whole thing where Blair and Chuck must both become Powerful Women before they can be together takes another tortoise step forward: He drops off yet another suitcase full of money at yet another location, takes thirty-seven calls from Uncle Jack and says "Dubai" a million times to everybody, makes a couple jokes about what a huge rapist he is, and then refuses to fuck Blair out of just being a weirdo I think. Meanwhile, Blair has the dumbest nervous breakdown of all time to where even Dorota is like, "This is embarrassing and a little OTT."
So Blair needs a girl to walk the runway in her debut show, and Serena needs a way to make Sage stop putting arsenic and bitchiness in her tea, so the two non-friends strike a deal. Sage ends up playing them both, and tossing her dress over her head, ruining the fashion show and Blair's, like, life. I always thought the worst moment of Lily's life was probably realizing that being with Rufus meant being Jenny's stepmother, and now we see that coming true. Except that Sage is infinitely more irritating than Jenny, even at her Agnes-est, and Serena has feelings, which Lily does not.
Weirdly, though, the most satisfying scenes string together the curious dismantling of Humphrey Propaganda, as both Dan and Rufus commit instantaneous face-heel turns that leave them both just sliding in the wreckage of their self-righteousness: Dan's first exposé/serial novel chapter/whatever the hell is about how Rufus and Ivy are fucking (two people, note, that literally nobody in the entire United States of America gives a shit about), so then Ivy says nonsense words that cause Rufus to go off the chain, and then she tells Gossip Girl that he's going to sue Nate and Dan, so then Dan and his dad have a fight about that time he fingerbanged her and she made him call her Serena, which I'm sorry but that is very relevant, and then she's cut him off from one more of his relations. (Jenny, by the way, totally gives her blessing to the Ivy/Rufus connection, because she is a gross person but also because she has no idea who any of these people are and probably gives no shits at all.)
Meanwhile, though, Dan gets himself thrown out of Nate's house by taking his serial novel to Vanity Fair, fucking over Nate and his entire magazine (?) just for the love of money, which only Nelly Yuki understands, because she is the latest person who is in love with Dan Humphrey for no goddamn reason and wants him to come live on her couch now so she can also stare at him while he sleeps. Although frankly I'm more intrigued/mystified by the Hitler Youth and I, Bacon Grease Claudius looks his ongoing hair monster has inspired for Chuck and Nate respectively.
Next Week: In case it wasn't already abundantly clear that this entire season is one long incest joke with a very scary punchline, we learn that Steven has slept with Lily, CeCe Rhodes, Claus with a C and Klaus with a K, all five Cousin Charlies under various pseudonyms, and even did the obligatory stint as Damien Dalgaard's sex slave/drug mule.
Daniel has been driven insane by the sight of Rufus fucking Ivy, which makes total sense. Blair and Chuck are both trying to handle their inherited empires despite mixed messages from their parents and the fact that their gilded age is built on sand, etc. Nate is looking for a scoop so that he can turn his business into some other kind of business or something, nobody cares what Nate is ever doing. Serena is dating an old man with a bitch daughter, which was kind of always going to happen if you think about it.
Blair Waldorf is stressin'. Her fashion line is set to debut in like ten minutes and she just realized that she got married out of high school and has no knowledge, training, or real life experience.
Blair Waldorf: "The devil is in the details, and I'm about to start worshiping Satan!"
Dorota: "That not mean anything in English talk."
Blair: "[Dumb joke about Charlotte Casiraghi.]"
Dorota: "Bitch, can you not get on board with the rest of us and just forget Monaco ever happened?"
Blair: "I have this genius fashion strategy where we don't go to Fashion Week, suddenly. So it's lucky that we didn't go to Fashion Week."
Jean Pierre: "Wait, also Charlotte Casiraghi can't come. She's the face of some other fashion line or something, so there's a conflict."
Blair: "These assholes. First they want to marry you, and then they hold a knife to your ribs on the dance floor and call you a whore. Okay, so what's Plan B? Whom do we know that is utterly fabulous?"
Serena: "Did somebody just say my name?"
Sage: "No, nobody was talking. We're dour folk, across the Park."
Serena: "Weird. Anyway, do you want some berries? I bought them at the farmer's market..."
Sage: "I'm a kid of the now, van der Woodsen. The only berries I'm interested in are BBMs."
Steven: "Put it down and look your step-thing in the boobs. I'm fine with you being a little jerk to me, which is why you're a little jerk, but I won't have it in front of other people. It makes me look like a bad parent, which is accurate."
Sage: "Are you saying I have to break up with Nate Archibald?"
Steven: "No, how did you eve... Yes. Yes, that is what I'm saying. Fix your grades and become a participant in school things, or else."
Sage: "You're a shitty dad. Stop acting otherwise just to impress this chick. She couldn't pick the good parent out of a lineup consisting of the parents on this show and one other person."