Daniel has been driven insane by the sight of Rufus fucking Ivy, which makes total sense. Blair and Chuck are both trying to handle their inherited empires despite mixed messages from their parents and the fact that their gilded age is built on sand, etc. Nate is looking for a scoop so that he can turn his business into some other kind of business or something, nobody cares what Nate is ever doing. Serena is dating an old man with a bitch daughter, which was kind of always going to happen if you think about it.
Blair Waldorf is stressin'. Her fashion line is set to debut in like ten minutes and she just realized that she got married out of high school and has no knowledge, training, or real life experience.
Blair Waldorf: "The devil is in the details, and I'm about to start worshiping Satan!"
Dorota: "That not mean anything in English talk."
Blair: "[Dumb joke about Charlotte Casiraghi.]"
Dorota: "Bitch, can you not get on board with the rest of us and just forget Monaco ever happened?"
Blair: "I have this genius fashion strategy where we don't go to Fashion Week, suddenly. So it's lucky that we didn't go to Fashion Week."
Jean Pierre: "Wait, also Charlotte Casiraghi can't come. She's the face of some other fashion line or something, so there's a conflict."
Blair: "These assholes. First they want to marry you, and then they hold a knife to your ribs on the dance floor and call you a whore. Okay, so what's Plan B? Whom do we know that is utterly fabulous?"
Serena: "Did somebody just say my name?"
Sage: "No, nobody was talking. We're dour folk, across the Park."
Serena: "Weird. Anyway, do you want some berries? I bought them at the farmer's market..."
Sage: "I'm a kid of the now, van der Woodsen. The only berries I'm interested in are BBMs."
Steven: "Put it down and look your step-thing in the boobs. I'm fine with you being a little jerk to me, which is why you're a little jerk, but I won't have it in front of other people. It makes me look like a bad parent, which is accurate."
Sage: "Are you saying I have to break up with Nate Archibald?"
Steven: "No, how did you eve... Yes. Yes, that is what I'm saying. Fix your grades and become a participant in school things, or else."
Sage: "You're a shitty dad. Stop acting otherwise just to impress this chick. She couldn't pick the good parent out of a lineup consisting of the parents on this show and one other person."