Nate: "Just come clean. Have you noticed that's what I always say? To each and every one of you bastards that comes to me with problems? I'm going to tell you the secret of life, are you ready? Here we go. You know what happens when you're honest? No problems. Or at least actual problems that you solve with actual solutions."
Serena: "You're right. I know what I have to do now. He's the most important person in my life, because I am a stalker who just met him. It's so simple. Just kill her."
As she's leaving, she brushes past Dan, who randomly hurls shit at her like a monkey.
Dan: "Here on one of your famous blackmail missions? Hope you got it all on film!"
Serena, verbatim: "Suck it, Humphrey."
Dan: "Whoa, you actually do look pretty naked. Did you guys..."
Nate: "No, the newer version of her."
Rufus: "Wait so but how did he see us fucking if he was in Tuscany?"
Ivy: "You probably should have told him, using the telephone. Being that our relationship brings shame on him, as well."
Somewhere Jenny is just laughing until she can't stand up, you know?
Jenny: "Eric, pass me those scones and put down your phone, because I think my dad just had a stroke. You're gonna wanna take this in."
I just wanna know who gets to call Vanessa in Haiti and tell her the good news, and if somehow it can be me. Is there some kind of incantation where I can Lost In Austen myself into this show just to make that one phone call?
Ivy: "Rufus, you're too good of a guy. That's the problem."
Rufus: "Is it? Because I'm kinda the worst, from what I can tell."
Ivy: "Your own son trashed you in the press..."
Rufus: "It's a blog or something. And also, he didn't really trash me so much as put me on blast. I mean, I don't look great here either."
Ivy: "It was bad enough when he fictionalized you in the first book. But realisticizing you for the sequel, which is the same book? Dastardly. Libelous. Defamatory. Justice."
Nate: "We are so simpatico! I get great advertising numbers, you get eyeballs and to be horrible to everybody."
Dan: "It's really a win/win, isn't it."
Nate: "And the online comments -- a thing old people think matters -- suggest that a new readership is really into this."