Gossip Girl
Double Identity

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Je Ne Suis La Belette De Personne
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Last day in Paris and Serena is determined to spend it in style, dressed as a clown from a distant planet where the men are men and the women have got to be kidding. Shimmering silver shoulder pads complete the look, but it all really starts with bright blue pantaloons and a Thunderdome bun-pony that looks like it took about two hours. If you look close you can see the buttresses. Blair describes, weirdly, Serena's Choice between Dan and Nate as that of a woman forced to choose which of her children should be cooked in ovens by fascists, and Serena hurriedly adjusts the metaphor to éclairs v. napoleons because nobody could actually be that idiotic or callous. Unless they just didn't know what Sophie's Choice was actually about, being illiterate and ill-informed in addition to being tacky.

Anyway, limp-haired Blair doesn't have time for that kind of talk, although in her head she's thinking, "And just like éclairs v. napoleons, eventually you're going to puke it up anyway, because Nate is boring and Dan is, well, Dan." For her part, she's managed somehow to convince Prince Louis Grimaldi that she's not quite the gold-digging whore that she actually is, and plans to further that lie by slumming it about town. "I've planned a day of polite interaction with the proletariat. Think Diana, princess of the people. Obviously, I'll wear gloves." Blair laughs that nothing, not even Nate getting gassed by the Nazis, will ruin her date. Life, and Serena van der Woodsen, will call that bluff.

Serena watches Blair hail a cab, eyes sliding idly down from the strange orange hue of her hair to the suggestion of an ass, while she answers a call from Lily, who is in Manhattan, where it's the same time of day as in Paris. Paris has just called Lily in a panic, and Serena can only assume it's because she was shoved into a fountain last night. No, in fact it's because her brother -- who has been missing for three months, who has since high school attempted to throw himself off tall buildings, whose last act was putting his dick in Jenny Humphrey, an act of purest nihilism -- was murdered.

Serena wonders if her brother is really dead -- and if so, how this affects her -- and Lily asks her to go down to the morgue, which in Paris is situated on the Rue Morgue and run by sinister chimpanzees, and identify her brother's body. Serena pretends she's paying attention, but the sun is glinting off Blair's insouciant breasts in the most delightful... Oh. Oh dear. Serena heaves. If Chuck Bass really was fished out of the river, Blair will turn her crazy up to one hundred and Serena will never, ever hear the end of it. It will be like Serena getting into Columbia all over again. Shit, as they say, just got real.

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Gossip Girl

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