On Serena's last shoulder-padded day in Paris, Lily phones to let her know that they've discovered a possible Chuck Bass corpse in the river. So now she has to ID her brother's body, head back to NYC, and keep Blair from finding out/melting down before she's back in the States. For a girl who literally does nothing all day, as like her entire calling, that is quite a task list.
Though Chuck's dead for now, Henry is fine! Hot as hell and living it up with that Veela girl in some kind of French bohemian fantasy world of wine and bicycles and baguettes and what have you. Perhaps she is evil/mysterious; certainly Henry walks with a cane. Blair's taxi almost runs him down, causing them both to emote. Blair of course assumes that dressing like Peer Gynt and running around with a cane and amnesia is some kind of romantic scheme to get B back; it is at this point that dressing like Peer Gynt and running around with a cane and amnesia becomes a romantic scheme to get B back. Or something. You know how Chuck is.
S tracks him down but he keeps grumbling "There is no Chuck Bass" and wobbling away on his cane like he's about to grant some wishes. Finally he sends some official-looking paperwork S's way, maybe now she owns the Empire Hotel or some shit, you know how this show works. Maybe it's Georgina's somehow. Serena freaks out about this while dressed like a clown, and Blair ignores her to date her hot prince, even though he was right to dump her gold-digging ass last week and she doesn't even like him anyway and also Chuck. It's fairly compelling, this bit.
This is also the point where Serena begins consulting with Scotland Yard or something, it's so amazing, she and her new friend Inspector Chevalier are like solving crimes and resolving complex issues of identity theft at Harry Winston and like forensically reconstructing the night of Chuck's shooting and... I love this show so fucking much, you guys. This actually happened. Serena is a crimefighter. A fighter of crime.
Finally S drags Blair to a really beautiful scene between B and Chuck on this walkway where she talks him into being Chuck Bass again, and it's so beautiful and wonderful and they have this amazing conversation about his pretend amnesia and the shooting and how she's not in love with him anymore. She makes a compelling argument for the UES, though, and he eventually takes up his name and brings Eva along for the ride. And B leaves Prince Louis with a fairytale shoe, returning free of the Bass Factor and totally triumphant.
Back home, while Lily and Rufus go gaga for Milo, Juliet jumps into the irrelevant Nate/Dan/Serena triangle with both feet, sending Dan off with Vanessa and eventually seducing Nate himself away from Serena, so that by the time S gets back home nobody really cares whom she chose. Of course, this is all part of some seriously evil planning by Juliet, who is working on somebody's mysterious behalf... To destroy Serena from the ground up!
...Poppy? Gabriel? Both? Pete Fairman people? That boring girl from Texas? Aaron Rose somehow? Dr. van der Woodsen trying to isolate her for some reason? Georgina now having a split personality and doing schemes she doesn't even know about? (And where the eff is she?) Nelly Yuki?
OMG is Nelly Yuki having a lesbian relationship with Katie Cassidy? Lucky old so-and-so.
Last day in Paris and Serena is determined to spend it in style, dressed as a clown from a distant planet where the men are men and the women have got to be kidding. Shimmering silver shoulder pads complete the look, but it all really starts with bright blue pantaloons and a Thunderdome bun-pony that looks like it took about two hours. If you look close you can see the buttresses. Blair describes, weirdly, Serena's Choice between Dan and Nate as that of a woman forced to choose which of her children should be cooked in ovens by fascists, and Serena hurriedly adjusts the metaphor to Ã©clairs v. napoleons because nobody could actually be that idiotic or callous. Unless they just didn't know what Sophie's Choice was actually about, being illiterate and ill-informed in addition to being tacky.
Anyway, limp-haired Blair doesn't have time for that kind of talk, although in her head she's thinking, "And just like Ã©clairs v. napoleons, eventually you're going to puke it up anyway, because Nate is boring and Dan is, well, Dan." For her part, she's managed somehow to convince Prince Louis Grimaldi that she's not quite the gold-digging whore that she actually is, and plans to further that lie by slumming it about town. "I've planned a day of polite interaction with the proletariat. Think Diana, princess of the people. Obviously, I'll wear gloves." Blair laughs that nothing, not even Nate getting gassed by the Nazis, will ruin her date. Life, and Serena van der Woodsen, will call that bluff.
Serena watches Blair hail a cab, eyes sliding idly down from the strange orange hue of her hair to the suggestion of an ass, while she answers a call from Lily, who is in Manhattan, where it's the same time of day as in Paris. Paris has just called Lily in a panic, and Serena can only assume it's because she was shoved into a fountain last night. No, in fact it's because her brother -- who has been missing for three months, who has since high school attempted to throw himself off tall buildings, whose last act was putting his dick in Jenny Humphrey, an act of purest nihilism -- was murdered.
Serena wonders if her brother is really dead -- and if so, how this affects her -- and Lily asks her to go down to the morgue, which in Paris is situated on the Rue Morgue and run by sinister chimpanzees, and identify her brother's body. Serena pretends she's paying attention, but the sun is glinting off Blair's insouciant breasts in the most delightful... Oh. Oh dear. Serena heaves. If Chuck Bass really was fished out of the river, Blair will turn her crazy up to one hundred and Serena will never, ever hear the end of it. It will be like Serena getting into Columbia all over again. Shit, as they say, just got real.