Gossip Girl
Double Identity

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Je Ne Suis La Belette De Personne

Juliet is shopping for girlfriends for Nate on some kind of website she knows about. "Claire Von Rohr. Gorgeous, blonde. Princeton. Oh, and look," Juliet Sharp totally and blatantly lies, "Her family has a house by ours in Trancoso!" Nate asks her to rewind to before this scene and explain carefully what the fuck is going on. It doesn't ever happen, so it doesn't really matter. It's sort of sad that Nate even had to try to understand this part of the plan. Nate tries to explain that you can't make Serena van der Woodsen jealous, due to her being Serena van der Woodsen, but then he's like, "If you say it over and over it sounds really funny" and Juliet nods. It really does, Nate. He says they should just date, Juliet and Nate, and cut out all the middlemen and websites, and she's about to further entrap his childlike mind with hints of sex to come, when Dan texts Nate in a hurt tone about the lies that got him all that bedbuggy poon a minute ago.

A driver arrives for Blair, and her recent chauffer-related traumas (which are mounting the longer she stays in Paris) cause her to black out for a second about what's going on. "No!" she screams in his face. "I can't do any more of these prince and pauper games!" The chauffer, tempted to slap her silly ass in the eye, sees maid blood everywhere and realizes all the stories were true, so he bows and curtsies and begs to take Blair to Harry Winston, for one final touch. This is seeming more and more like a murder in progress. Or Pretty Woman. Serena's standing in the naked shanty, Chuck and his little French wizardess having hopped the floo, texting and calling Blair madly, but whatever. Harry Fucking Winston.

"Au revoir, l'enfant terrible" is what Gossip Girl is supposed to say, but I never thought for a second that Blair would end up with the best accent of them all. Anyway, Serena's leaving Chuck-related message after Chuck-related message, standing around this empty apartment while the landlady ignores her unwelcome stranger ass -- when you're a tiny little Paris landlady and an American hoss like Serena van der Woodsen comes in flashing a badge and giant boobs and says she wants a look around, you just try to look as small as possible, and clean up around her -- but when the phone rings, it is not Blair, it's Serena's partner in crimesolving: "Inspector Chevalier, of course! she says. I don't know why this is the funniest line in the episode to me, but it's so fucking funny. Inspector Chevalier needs more of Serena's help with this case immediately. He's like the Morgan Freeman to her Monica Potter/Ashley Judd! Just call her The Boner Collector. The Girl With The Vitamin Water Tattoo. The Girl Who Played With The Idea Of College. The Girl Who Mistook The Hornets' Nest For Clothes.

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Gossip Girl

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