Wearing a just stunning red ballgown, Blair's at Harry Winston Paris having a good old-fashioned diamond orgy and making bad puns -- "Carats, clarity, charisma!" -- when she happens across a ring that catches her fancy. Right then Serena and Inspector Clousseau come in, literally by coincidence, and everybody starts talking.
It's kind of hard to understand, mostly because it makes literally no sense at all, but the gist is that the ring is coincidentally (1) the one Chuck was going to give Blair at the Empire State Building before he decided to fuck Jenny instead. The muggers, unable to sell it in Prague, took it to well-known fence Harry Winston (2). He refused to buy it, because Harry Winston is not actually a pawn shop, but coincidentally (3) remembered that Monsieur Chuck Bass was the one to buy it in the first place, so he called his old friend Inspector Chevalier (4) to report it, and Chevalier ("of course!") called his number-one agent Serena (5) so that she could identify it, despite never having seen it (6), several days after the fact (7) and after the mugger himself was murdered (8), but Serena noticed Chuck's blood on his wallet which leads them all to deduce (9) that Chuck fought so hard to hold onto Blair's ring that he got shot in the gut, which caused him to limp with his legs (10) after being rescued by a random French girl (11) who happens to have an oncle with a wine bar (12) in the 12 Arrondissement at which Chuck was scheduled to begin work (13) this morning, just as Blair was driving to get poor-people clothes for her date with the Prince of Monaco (14) whom she met by standing for hours in front of a Manet painting (15), immediately insulted sixteen times, and has been creeping out ever since.
Best show on television. Across the pond, Dan is whisper-yelling at Nate for telling Vanessa that he still cared about her, and this conversation takes so incredibly long even though it's quite simple that Vanessa eventually comes out from behind the collapsible screen that forms the walls of the loft and explains that she can hear everything they're saying. Of course, Dan and Nate immediately start stuttering and blushing and there is immediate word-vomit pursuant to the notion that Serena is on her way back to the UES and will be handing them her decision about which one of them goes to a concentration camp and which one gets shot in the face immediately. Vanessa, realizing that either of these outcomes is apparently more desirable than she is, finally gets offended for a real reason and stomps out in her lesbian sandals... Just as Lily and Rufus are showing up for another thrilling episode of Extreme Bedbug Infestation: Nursery Edition.