Limping away, Henry begs Eva to apparate away with him to another country altogether, because he has had it with Paris. They run you over and track you down and pinch your tiny ass. Eva nods sadly -- it is Oncle Alphonse's way, but he means well -- and then mumbles some indecipherable garbage of some sort. Henry says that not only will India serve his rapist's nightmares every bit as well as Paris, but that he has been keeping a financial secret of some kind. "Then why are we living in a shanty where the bathroom is the kitchen," I presume Eva asks, but there's no real way to know.
Lenox Hill calls Lily to get her to explain to Rufus, who is a dolt -- although props for actually pretending to be interested in whether or not your wife's stepson is dead this time -- that you can't be calling random people asking for other random people's medical information. "I was just hoping to get some more information, make sure this guy's even a real doctor, not some sex phone operator that crazy girl paid off to lie to us." If you were wondering, that's probably the best part of the entire episode: "Sex phone operator," Rufus says. Sex. Phone. Operator. The mind fucking boggles.
"Georgina went for a spa weekend right after Dan signed the birth certificate," Rufus whines. "We need to get our own paternity test done while she's gone!" THEN DO IT, YOU WASTE OF SPACE. Even Lily is like, "Crazycrotch told us we could, it's not even a problem. Meanwhile, Dan Humphrey can't even take care of himself and you've left him in DUMBO with somebody else's life in his hands. A deceitful Fashion's Night Out volunteer could be molesting him as we speak."
And what will Lily do about this? How will she help? Devote a floor of her mansion in the sky to taking care of the baby, like hateful Eleanor Waldorf did for her housekeeper's child? Perhaps take Dan some waffles and give him a chance to shower or gab endlessly about Serena or, um, wonder where Georgina went? Or GET A FUCKING PATERNITY TEST? Take it into her own hands to point out that Georgina has totally vanished and is not coming back? No, not Lily. She's too caring for that. She's going shopping, duh.
Step One: Juliet tells Vanessa that Dan has feelings for her. Step Two: As the pathetic wretch she will always be, Vanessa believes her. Step Three: The End. No more steps. That's all it takes. Juliet, you work fast and I admire that, but once Blair -- even Serena, to be honest -- comes back to town, you're going to learn you've been playing polo in the shallow end. Step Four probably: You will be kidnapped and abandoned in a foreign country, just as happened to the last two bitches that messed with Serena's stuff.