Dan wakes up from a nap to some wine chilling and some kind of horrible Vanessa Abrams paella or something with Spanish Fly in it. Where's Milo? Oh, Juliet is storing him in a recyclable tote. Just kidding, Milo is asleep in the same loft as you, which has only provisional suggestions of doors rather than actual doors dividing one room from the next. So wait, what's going on? Oh, Dan and Vanessa are fucking. Yards away from a stranger's sleeping child. On a couch from the '80s. In a <1000 sf. loft. In Brooklyn. With bedbugs on every surface.
Henry discovers his quondam sister-slash-rape victim sitting in the alley outside his shanty, quite certain of her existence. She is also somewhat worried that he killed her stepbrother Chuck, whose body she identified as Chuck's murdered body. He assures her that he did not kill the man -- we'll find out more later -- and that he is not playing at his old games. If he were playing a game, he grits, and leaves her to complete the sentence by gesturing down at his lame leg, the walking stick, the fact that he was clearly shot in the abdomen.
"I know more than anyone what it's like to want to reinvent yourself," Serena says, comparing his failed Prague Spring to her own, "But just because people are mad at you doesn't mean you should disappear. That's why I'm constantly disappearing, every third episode of this show." Chuck says that Lily won't really care if he's pretend-dead, and then heaps on some drama about "all the people who've wished me dead since the day I was born," which is just uncalled-for, not in a personal way but in a terribly written way, and he explains, for those of us who just found out about Givenchy, that he lost the only thing he ever cared about, which is Blair, because of how he turned her into a prostitute. AFTER TODAY THERE IS NO CHUCK BASS, he howls, and then he limps away to see the fake identity guy that he -- of course -- has, despite having arrived in Paris yesterday. He's Chuck Bass: The demimonde is his regular monde.
Vanessa and Dan talk about their sex activities and the itching bedbugs and the hilarious coincidence that they both had to think about Nate to get it up at all. Oh I'm sorry, that's just Vanessa's creepy way of randomly blowing spot on Nate's big lie that Dan is in love with her. "No, see, Nate and Juliet sat me down and told me the truth that you aren't in love with Serena and you're in love with me. Then I had some juice. Then we fucked." Dan's like, "Yes, all of those things are true." But then Dan thinks harder, and realizes this farce will drastically lower his chances of tapping Serena once it gets out, and then he'll be dating Vanessa Abrams while raising a child with Georgina Sparks, making him officially Worst At Girls.