Rufus cries and rends his garments and tries in every passive-aggressive way he can to make Lily feel guilty about protecting him from her Illness. Finally she admits that the major problem, besides her magical Illness, was the horrible idea of seeing his puppy-dog face when she told him, because it would make it "real." Which honestly, it would have been better if we'd stuck with that and left the Illness thing out of it, because yes: The worst part of this would have been watching her tell him. He would have crumbled. But instead, now he gets to feel this perverse entitled moral high ground because she didn't trust him. Which is elegantly Rufus.

Blair stomps around Chez Waldorf yelling at Dorota all kinds of crazy shit, but you can tell just in the acting alone that this storyline is less onerous for our heroine than the unending Jack/Elizabeth/Empire nightmare. Her lightness, her playful evil, her fickle weirdness, are all suddenly back in spades. She asks a waiter if he'd date her, and when he asserts that she is "totally hot," her posture on the chaise longue shifts from petulant to overjoyed in a split-second, like a pampered longhair cat who's just heard the clink of silver against Waterford crystal.

Dorota starts telling some story about her royal husband, but Blair interrupts her for a zinger -- "Dorota, I need answers that don't end in And then I came to America" -- before realizing that Dorota has just handed her the answer: It's the first husband, Chuck, that's ruining everything. "Isn't it obvious? He's declared a dating fatwa on me!" And so begins the great Fatwa War of 2010, where everybody competes against themselves and everybody else to see how hilariously they can pronounce the word "fatwa." Props for finding comedy in unlikely places, but you know the second Chuck says it the game is going to be over.

Jenny just happens to run into Serena downstairs, and just happens to prominently display the shirt she ganked from Nate's house, and then just happens to lie really unconvincingly about how she "kinda crashed at Nate's" because they were "just hanging out" and "totally lost track of time" and he slept on the "couch" and Serena has to like totally believe her. I have a weakness for good-acting-of-bad-acting like this, and scenarios where you tell the truth in order to make it look like a lie, and Little J/Momsen is a master of both. It's hilarious. And then you've got Serena, whose head is already full today of like three other thoughts and that's her limit and besides, she's got to go see Dr. Sandiego, so whatever, say hi to Nate and don't forget to totally sabotage our relationship. Jenny is like, "Can do!" S calls Nate, but I'm sure Jenny has that one on lock too.