Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Year Of Magical Thinking

Which, the stripper-pole joke of that is pretty funny, if a bit of a worn-out stereotype, but also kind of inappropriate considering your lead character is doing exactly that, and has fucked everybody from Congressmen to Carter Baizen in the name of her daddy issues. The joke hinges on the irony -- nobody is actually that simplistic that they end up on the pole because of daddy issues -- while the entire season's storyline revolves around the increasing implication that maybe people are that simplistic. Or at least that both the horse-rustler Serena, and Chuck -- never forget the Little Orphan Annie broken locket -- are.

Blair runs in screaming as he hangs up the phone, all about how he's twisted and manipulative, and he asks her to narrow it down ("It's been a busy few days") and they just say the word "fatwa" at each other like a million times, as if somebody on the writing staff has just learned that word, and true to expectations the way Chuck says it makes you feel like a fatwa is something incredibly pleasurable that he's about to do to you on the kitchen table. "We're over, Chuck. Unclench!" He promises (this is a lie) that he didn't interfere with the party, and that it's not about his threats but about how "no one could ever measure up" to what they had, before he whored her out. Blair -- and this makes very little sense, except maybe as a measure of how fucking nuts she's going -- says she's prepared to date outside the UES gene pool. "By this time tomorrow, everyone in the five boroughs will know that Chuck Bass's threats mean nothing."

Do you think that's really real? Would she do that? It's sort of throwing the baby out with the bathwater, in my opinion. If they had bathwater in Bushwick, I mean.

Willa calls -- she's and I quote "about to head out to Bushwick" to "get a vibe on the space" -- to tell Dan that she's officially set the wheels in motion to destroy Vanessa, and Dan whines and moans and Humphreys just enough that she's able to hang up with plausible deniability, and Dan goes "ack!" when he realizes she's hung up, and if it is not the cutest thing he's ever done, it is a close second. I never ever thought I would love Dan Humphrey the most. Just saying that makes me want to sit on a knife.

There's a lot of Will's gravel voice and Serena's tapioca-pudding mumblecore voice, and '90s references to spare (apparently he's the Christiane Amanpour of Médecins Sans Frontières and goes anywhere terrors happen), but essentially he's had a whirlwind of a fantastic life without Serena, and in recompense would like to take her for literal ice cream, like he did when she was four. Then he totally goes, without irony and straight-faced, "This gulf, this chasm that's between us... It's gonna take some time, but we can make it go away."

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Gossip Girl




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