Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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The Year Of Magical Thinking

Rufus, having received no doubt the same exact text message as Nate did, comes running into PRADA, screaming Lily's name. He's met by Will, aka Keith's brother and the first Mr. Lily and the father of Serena and Eric, not to mention the Second-Ranked Baldwin Brother Billy (late of Dirty Sexy Money, where he played Trip Vanderbilt only instead of Serena, it was a transsexual, and instead of that ginger-haired ceiling-eyed harridan Maureen, it was a suicidal nutcase with a golf club and poor balance. Gosh, I kinda miss that show).

Will says Rufus's name the way you want everybody to: Italicized, like you're saying Miley Cyrus or Jill Zarin. They make with the sexy eye and identical gravel-voices at each other, and Rufus doesn't really have much to say besides "Go away" like ten different ways, because of course he doesn't know the whole story. Well, technically we don't either, right, but all Rufus knows is that Lily kissed Will in Santorini, which made Rufus take the inordinately vicious step of one time getting off the elevator on the wrong floor and leaving his scarf lying around. Will's confused that Rufus doesn't know What Really Happened In Santorini and Rufus demands to know it and Will says, just like CeCe always does, that Rufus should for once in his life talk to his wife instead of running around, crabbily babbling, as though he's just eaten an entire bag of Pop Rocks on his way back from summer camp.

"There's an outlet by the bed, and I will be in in a minute." Sounds sexy, Chuck! But really the two ladies he's talking to need to dry their hair or their bras or something. It's all very Hayes Code with Chuck. Jenny looks at him and seems content with her lot: "You look like hell." She loves it. He says this is "a small price to pay to feel like heaven," and asks where Nate is. Since of the three of them, Jenny does not live here. He hopes they finally screwed, and Jenny gets grossed out and tries to fake her way through it, and then -- clearly, luxuriously wiping off coke snot with his silk pocket square -- Chuck, I think, tells us a little too much information about how things work in his head.

"Was it as you always imagined? Late night? You two engaged in a sweaty Wii duel... Your bodies touch... He looks at you like he's never looked at you before..."

You say "creepy sexual harassment of the girl he raped zero times," I say: He is not talking about Jenny at all.

Chuck continues to encourage her to bag Nate, without regard to Serena's return, and then realizing she probably thinks they can't have this conversation, tosses out the old "I probably won't remember this conversation anyway." Given token permission to explore the topic now, Jenny digs in and before long, they've arrived at a plan to Desdemona that shit using this Hugo Boss shirt. If Chuck can't have Blair, obviously he wants Nate instead. But between Nate's anger at the prostituting, and Serena's intoxicating existence, a bunch of things need to change at once, which means shit-stirring. And now that Jenny's back from Brooklyn, you've got grade-A shit-stirring talent right here. Chaos incarnate! Wind her up and let her go!

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Gossip Girl

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