Dorota starts telling some story about her royal husband, but Blair interrupts her for a zinger -- "Dorota, I need answers that don't end in And then I came to America" -- before realizing that Dorota has just handed her the answer: It's the first husband, Chuck, that's ruining everything. "Isn't it obvious? He's declared a dating fatwa on me!" And so begins the great Fatwa War of 2010, where everybody competes against themselves and everybody else to see how hilariously they can pronounce the word "fatwa." Props for finding comedy in unlikely places, but you know the second Chuck says it the game is going to be over.
Jenny just happens to run into Serena downstairs, and just happens to prominently display the shirt she ganked from Nate's house, and then just happens to lie really unconvincingly about how she "kinda crashed at Nate's" because they were "just hanging out" and "totally lost track of time" and he slept on the "couch" and Serena has to like totally believe her. I have a weakness for good-acting-of-bad-acting like this, and scenarios where you tell the truth in order to make it look like a lie, and Little J/Momsen is a master of both. It's hilarious. And then you've got Serena, whose head is already full today of like three other thoughts and that's her limit and besides, she's got to go see Dr. Sandiego, so whatever, say hi to Nate and don't forget to totally sabotage our relationship. Jenny is like, "Can do!" S calls Nate, but I'm sure Jenny has that one on lock too.
Effin Willa Weinstein appears out of nowhere to say how sorry she is that Dan didn't get into Tisch and how sorry she is that shitty old Vanessa did get in. She does more of the Jenny stuff from above, like, "Wow, she didn't tell you she was applying? What a bitch your girlfriend is to you! Ouch!" Dan mentions that it's even more stinging because -- and this part really confused me the first like three times I watched the episode, so I want to be clear -- it's annoying that she got in, because as far as he knows she based her short film or play or whatever on the story he published in The New Yorker. She didn't do this, but he has no way of knowing this, so it rankles.
And what's cool about that is, for the first time in his entire life he's totally blameless in this scenario (for now): There's no second level or agenda where he's unconsciously or meanly undermining Vanessa, like he used to do to Serena all the time. The situation, even though it's confusing in execution, is for once completely clear of him being jealous or shitty, and I really like that. Of course, Willa can't handle any of that, so she reminds Dan/tells us that her dad, a "John Weinstein," is on the board, and told her that it came down to Dan v. Vanessa. Which is the first thing she does not need to be saying. And also, now she's got to get Vanessa kicked out, because it wasn't an original work: Which is the second thing she shouldn't be saying, because it's not even true and she has no way of knowing either way. Dan flees, because she's the fucking worst, and she immediately calls Daddy to tattle.