Nate strolls on into the infirmary, where the Captain has been brutalized and cannot take anything stronger than a Tylenol because he's in recovery or has no liver or something, I forget, and he's like, "Did you tell your mother?" And Nate's like, "Have you met my mother? I called her to tell her you got beat and she was like, 'I think I'll plant calla lilies in the spring.' Let's assume she cares to the degree she is on this planet, yeah?" The Captain's like, "Our marriage was always one of convenience. Her Vanderbilt money, my drug connections and embezzling skills. I never knew how hard it is, to be the wife of a powerful man. Trust me, I sympathize now."

Good old Colin gives up to give some speech for whatever his award is, Best Guy, it's a crystal apple for some reason, and -- reverse psychology bounding off the echoing walls of her forward-facing psychology -- Serena vows she will not have a fulfilling relationship with this man at any cost. And to further that agenda, she locks eyes with him as he's describing his feelings for her, and slowly stomps out of the room, at the last moment before he says how much he loves her, without dropping eye contact and he feels sad, or something, I don't know. Look at him. Does it matter?

Chuck and Blair mix some metaphors about what assholes they both are, and then Jenny comes out of the gala to gloat and tell them other ways they are assholes, and how much better she is than them, and how sorry she feels for them, and how it must suck to be so weak-minded and vicious and disgusting and how honestly there but for the grace of God, you know, but she just can't sully herself by being in the same city as them, blah blah blah. The very worst of all the Humphreys in one unending fucking flood.

They point out that she's just scared they're going to come after her and she goes, "You two used to be in love, and together you were invincible. But now that you've turned against each other, it's just a matter of time before your mutual destruction. And when that happens, maybe I'll think about coming home." Dan gives her a proud-of-you hug and GG delights in it -- "We hear Little J gave Chuck and Blair a goodbye kiss... OF DEATH!" -- but actually it's pretty awesome.