Except, alas, Humphrey Superiority doesn't actually exist. Everybody's shit is blowing up and they all run to check the latest blast and, to be fair, it does sound pretty insane: "Turns out Little J didn't lose her V card to Damien Dalgaard. She waited, and Chucked it away with her stepbrother. Guess that explains the Humphrey in Hudson: Hell hath no fury like a Waldorf scorned!" Blair goes a tad bit Valmont in the middle of the party about how GG is a lying liar and all that, and Jenny tells her to shut up, and it's pretty great. Although obviously you know Dan's going to shit all over it somehow.
Dan runs out to see Jenny and start judging before he can even ask her what happened, and so she points out that, while it was a tiny bit embarrassing to tell the "entire" world that she lost it to Chuck Bass -- consensually, no less -- it was way worth it because of how bad it fucked up Chuck and Blair's imaginary powers and mojo. Which: Yes, that is worth it. They totally dicked with you on purpose and moved you around like a pawn on a chessboard for no real reason whatsoever. Versus all you did was tell your own truth about your own life. How could you possibly find fault with that?
"Jen, I was proud of you for moving on, but if this is what you've become after just a day back, maybe Blair was right after all, and maybe you should go back to Hudson." Dan actually says this, to his own sister. And the paternalistic creepy shitty thing about this season rears its head again. Not to mention the fact that he's pretty much re-banning her, which makes no more sense when it's coming from Dan than with Blair. Less, maybe. It's just bullshit sexist patronizing. Again. There is no grey, there are no opposing viewpoints: Dan is telling Jenny, and through Jenny us, that the best response is no response. And why should you, when big brother's always there to involve himself. Speaking of: Serena is wigging out explaining about dropping Biz Psych, but Lily goes real dark real fast:
"Serena, please, you don't need to apologize. I get it. I understand the lure of a powerful man like Colin. I married Bart Bass, remember? It's fine. And to be honest, they can make your life so much easier. We both know you would have moved on to classes more your speed eventually. A pretty girl like you could get the attention of a Colin Forrester even without an education. So why even bother?"
Sooooo Serena kicks Lily in the box and heads on over to the bar, shedding shoulder pads as she goes. "Whiskey neat, make it a double," she says, wiping the sweat from her brow, loosing her weird dirty pony from its elastic cage. "Mama grew up today." Just kidding. Serena stares shoots and leaves some more and then Rufus is like, "Lily, I am freakin' all about treating our kids horribly. But I am even more about judging your every move. You've got me in quite a pickle this time."