Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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to wound the autumnal city.

Colin and Serena, I've watched this scene like a million times and I still don't understand it so here are some facts: Serena goes to Colin's office at Columbia, in the middle of the night, still wearing ten inches of orange pancake makeup and the ugliest effing outfit into which she's ever found her way. "If my class is so important to you, maybe I should try a little harder to make it worth your while: Fewer models and martinis, more footnotes and flowcharts." It is a fact that somebody wrote that sentence on a piece of paper and later on another person filmed a third person saying it. The rest, I'm not sure. I think it's just Tripp all over again. But Colin's got a good point, which is that the class is barely a class, it was for Martha Lady and she was only going to be there for like two months, so wait: Why are they even having a problem here? They AREN'T. But somehow, they are. This dude better be on the make. There better be something else going on here, because this is stupid as shit. If she mentions the taxicab thing one more fucking time I am going to monkify.

Dan and Jenny, something about Brooklyn DNA guiding you to righteousness. A masked gunman fills them both full of lead and they lie in the gutter choking on blood and everybody steps over them and keeps going, thanks to that selfsame Brooklyn DNA. Across town Eric awakes from a deep sleep and feels like himself for the first time in weeks. The spell, the Humphrey spell, it has finally broken. Serena locates her self-respect; it unfolds in her like a steel orchid. All the babies in all the boroughs will sleep wonderfully tonight.

Chuck shows up at Blair's house, and they both look amazing. She's in man jammies and he's al dishabille with his hair still looking great, and they have a little talk about how Jenny was right, if annoying, because it's entirely within the scope of both their separate crazy to actually eventually escalate to murder. I would love this show so much if it took it that far. But Chuck's like, "And I do not want to die. So we must truce." Blair tells him to eat a dick, and then he says the following:

"Look, we can keep blaming each other for what happened that night, or we can admit a harder truth: It was no one's fault. It was fate. Tragedy." I'm sorry, a "harder" truth? Normally I love a no-fault resolution like this -- "we're holding onto the pain because it's all we have left" -- but in this case, no. No, it was your fault. You are both jackasses. Chuck waited five seconds before boning Jenny. Blair got rid of Eva for reasons she still won't disclose.

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Gossip Girl

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