Mean-meanwhile, amazing Blair and Dan are getting viral on that shit, all desperate-casual like, "So did you see the post on Gossip Girl about some huge secret coming out tonight? Say, that gossip our demographic is anticipating would go down great with some Grey Goose® vodka! I'll have mine with a twist, good sir! Anyone else? Anyone else for some Gossip Girl gossip and some Grey Goose® vodka?"

S tells B about the affidavit and they just stand there for ten minutes saying that word at each other forever and ever and then finally B snaps out of it and she's like, "That sucks, babe." Of course right then Dan comes up and thinks she's comforting S about the world-ending truth of their bloody important friendship, and B goes, "Impolite to interrupt, Humphrey." She sends S on her way and promises to be there for her when all is said and done, and it's totally sweet and totally hard to concentrate on due to the very cute confused looks of one Dan Humphrey.

Serena hosses on over there to Ben, gettin' her Irish up, until by the time she reaches him she is like shivering with manufactured rage and talking all this I know what you did last summer stuff about how he stole the affidavit and shanked the Captain and blah-de-blah.

Ben: "Yeah, okay. I shanked the Captain. But as I've mentioned, jail makes you do some sexy, dirty things. I'm not ashamed, I just want to move on."
Serena: "I totally know what it's like to want to forget your past, like what if you fucked your best friend's boyfriend on a public bar and then ran pantsless through the streets to a videotaped threesome where you killed a guy."
Ben: "DON'T YOU EVER PRETEND TO UNDERSTAND ME OR MY SECRET THINGS."
Serena: "Whoa, you totally just convinced me you're a bad guy. A thing I have refused to accept about every person on this show since before it started. Well done, jailbird."

Vanessa Abrams: "At last I am vindicated!"
The Universe: "Still no."

UPSTAIRS

Mrs. Sharp: "Hi, Lily. Do you know who I am?"
Lily: "Based on the smell of Connecticut Townie I would say you are Ben's mom. Sorry about the time I got your kid incarcerated for no reason and it broke his soul."
Mrs. Sharp: "No prob. Deal is, I kind of went through your daughter's underwear drawer after she tried to feed me pizza, and I found this affidavit..."
Lily: "You! Sharp Women! I can't believe I keep thinking Ben is a bad guy!"
Mrs. Sharp: "Well at least this time he's innocent and you didn't do anything terrible to him."
Lily: "No I mean seriously, I do that shit like three times a week! This time I aimed my daughter at him like a loaded gun. You can see her down there on the dance floor, chasing him around like an irate ox."